The Velociraptor Survival Guide

Let’s get one thing out of the way. You cannot survive a raptor attack. It does not matter how fast you run or how much you hide, they will find you. And when they do, they will devour. In truth, this is more of a death procrastination guide. Nevertheless, you can take solace in the fact you’ve managed to survive this long against the almighty adversary. Let’s break this up into sections:

Anatomy of a Velociraptor:

 

An artist's sketch of a velociraptor. 0.032 seconds later, the artist was dead.

Raptors are superior beings, and their biological construction reflects this. Notice its sharp claws. These are built for destruction of all materials and substances. This is the first lesson: You cannot hide from a Velociraptor. Studies have been conducted where several scientists were barricaded behind a solid concrete wall, bordered by several fences of solid iron. Within minutes, the raptors used their sharp claws to slice through the fences, then brought down the concrete wall with one kick. The wall landed on the scientists, and the scientific research facility was lost to the raptors. Out of respect for their adversaries, the raptors released their findings to the general public. Or was it yet another fear tactic? Raptors have also been shown to have intelligence beyond mortal constraints. Science magicians can only speculate as to how (Before being devoured), and as yet they have not found the solution, though there is a strong theory. Raptors reportedly communicate with each other using a “hive mind”, a telekinetic link they have established through evolution and advanced technology. They use this hive mind to relay information; thus, if one raptor has seen you, heard you or smelt your fear, every single raptor in the world can triangulate your position. This brings up an interesting question: What is someone meant to do when faced with a Raptor?

Surrendering and Your Role in the Subjugation of the Human Race:

When faced with an insurmountable enemy, many feeble humans decide the “noble” or “honorable” thing to do is fight to the death, rather than surrender and suffer a loss of pride. When faced with Raptors, this is, of course, futile. Raptors are skilled in the field of psychology, and know how to demoralize a victim to beyond their breaking limit. Like any hunter, they like to play games with their prey. For instance, a Raptor will occaisonally appear to be injured or confused, and the survivor rallies their courage as they prepare for a victory. Their mistake only becomes apparent, however, when the Velociraptor springs forward, catching the survivor by suprise. It’s not unusual for the Raptor to turn invisible at this moment, using stealth technology the United States government is hoping to one day replicate. Getting back the point, there’s no use fighting to the death. The best option is to surrender and be assimilated into the Raptor race. Upon this point, they will escort you to their lab (very humanely, unlike certain barbarian dinosaurs) and subject you to the Raptor Conversion process. The final result should appear as such:

 

The first successful Raptor Assimilation patient, Reginald.

Upon entering Raptor society, you will find their social stature is beyond that of the human race. For instance, greed is not a Raptor trait. The only “greed” a Velociraptor would even encounter is a greed of conquering lands for the supremacy of the Raptor race. It is because of this that the Raptors are one. A coherent society of dinosaurs, united under the Supreme President Premier Dinosaur Velociraptor Priest of Raptoria (pictured).

 

Supreme President Premier Dinosaur Velociraptor Priest of Raptoria, Bernie.

Raptors are well known for their intelligence, and the nation of Raptoria is famously home to the RAARGH! brand of computers. RAARGH! has been praised for their user-friendly interfaces, that being the fact it can be typed with using only two claws. A lucky slave will be given an intern job at RAARGH!, or their close competitors, SCREEEE!, as an intern fetching coffee for the glorious middle management Raptors. A truely blessed intern (after being put through extreme testing and conditioning) could possibly one day find themselves working as a debugger or IT support technician, sorting out the various computer problems Raptor technology rarely encounters.

 

The most common technical fault in Raptor computers, affectionately known as the "Angry Smashed Blue Screen of Death".

Stay tuned for more helpful hints in delaying (or not) your inevitable fate of co-operation in the glorious Raptor race! God Bless Raptoria! And–

SCREEEEK! GRRL’BLT! KIK-KIK! MU’UK GYONG! GRAAAAAAARGH!

Fallout 3: A Very Early Review

Ever since I bought Fallout 3 on Friday afternoon, I’ve been struggling to think of a way to introduce the game to people through this site. What should I talk about first? The massive choice in the game? The masterfully-constructed storyline? My new Vault Boy bobblehead that I received with the collector’s edition? Eventually, I decided the best way to get into Fallout was by introducing the storyline. So here goes:

Fallout 3 (and indeed, all of the Fallout series) is set in alternate future. Not a possible future, but a future that may have once possibly occured. Err. Well, we’re off to a great start. Here it is: After the second world war, America was gripped in several different manias. On one hand, the promise of nuclear energy gave an incredibly bright future. On the other, the communist threat, coupled with dwindling resources of petroleum and uranium, set to tear the world apart. In this past, the Americans never invented the microchip. Instead, they managed to harness Fusion power, and most commonly-found appliances run on Nuclear power. Because they still use vacuum tubes, though, the whole thing has a sci-fi 1950’s feel; computers are incredibly advanced, yet they are still the size of a van. Meanwhile, Timmy plays marbles with the kids down the street without fear of Pedophiles, and husbands are probably still allowed to hit their wives if they overcook a meatloaf. Essentially, the resource war flared up between the United States and the rest of the world, and a nuclear war ensued, lasting two hours. The series takes place years after the bombs have dropped. In the USA, the government, in partnership with a private company, built massive underground vaults, each meant to hold 1000 people, supposedly acting as “fallout shelters”. The player character in Fallout 3 is born in vault 101, located just outside Washington, DC. In vault 101, no-one ever enters and no-one ever leaves; it’s one of the few vaults still unopened by the survivors, 200 years after the war (the year of the game is 2277). However, one day your father mysteriously abandons the vault, and you become the second person to ever leave Vault 101 as you search to find him in the hostile wasteland.

Well, I’m three paragraphs in and I haven’t really mentioned the game yet. Simply put, Fallout 3’s tutorial is incredible. It’s always seemed to me that tutorials inevitably break the game’s immersion. After all, why does Gordon Freeman; a physicist, for Christ’s sake, have to be taught how to jump over obstacles or crouch under debris?

 

how dus i jump?

 

That’s why Fallout succeeds. The very first control the player has over their character is at the age of one, as their father (the player’s mother died after childbirth) teaches them to walk. Already, the game has found a way to incorporate tutorials in a way that makes sense. The game then fastforwards to the player’s tenth birthday, were they are given their own little wrist-mounted computer thingy and taught how to shoot using a BB Gun (ah, the political incorrectness). Another skip takes the player to their 16th birthday, where they take a job aptitude test which also allows them to choose their skills in the game. The main action takes place in the next skip, though, to when the character is 18/19.

Fallout 3, judging by what I’ve seen so far, is staggeringly choice-laden. Of course, like any self-respecting RPG these days, you can choose to be good or evil, though Fallout 3 also introduces the concept of neutral, where neither saintliness or demonic spawn is chosen. The whole moral thing gives some weird choices. Starting out, I wanted to be a computer nerd who although lacking in combat skill, was a genius at computers and lockpicking. I wanted to be evil, basically. But as soon as Daddy started being proud of me for taking my first steps, my heart melted and I stayed on the straight and narrow. The player’s father is excellently voiced by Liam Neeson, and it’s difficult not to make an emotional attachment with almost all of the Vault characters. Which is why it hurt me so much in the next loadup I played, where I was a total dick to everyone but Dad; getting into fights with the Greasers (yeah, they’re still around in this time period) and shooting one of Dad’s coworkers with my BB Gun. 

Fallout 3 is also about letting you play however the hell you want. I, for instance, read a report of a playtester beating the game with only one kill under his belt (which is a compulsary RadRoach kill on your tenth birthday). Then again you could go in guns blazing, as I did my second time around, and kill everyone you can’t steal from or use to your advantage. Oh yeah, I also slept with a whore for $120, then charmed her into telling me her bosses’ computer password. Oh yeah; needless to say this game isn’t for the kiddies (MA 15+ for Drug use, Coarse Language, Heavy Violence, Sexual References, Adult Themes, etc, etc). To wrap this up, I’m going to mention a quest available in the game. Possible spoilers:

Very early on in the wasteland you will find a town called Megaton, so named because it’s built around an Atomic bomb. Yeah, bad civic design, but I guess it brings in tourists. Anyway, you either have the option of defusing the bomb (which has been curiously active for 200 years) or following the request of a shady character in a bar and blowing up the whole fucking town. It was a pretty easy decision to make for me.

 

OH SHI--

 

 

And the thing is is that the game doesn’t punish you either way. If you save the town, you get a house, and obviously friendship and quests from the citizens. If you blow it up for the wealthy businessman, you’ll find yourself in a penthouse apartment taking high-paying jobs from people of quesitonable moral fibre. Either way, you still get quests, and it’s good to see they don’t push you either way.

Apparently, there’s about 200 different permutations (heh, mutations) of the endgame based on how you played, though I’ll have to finish it at least once to see if this is true. So I’m getting right back into it. Basically, if you enjoyed Oblivion, Bethesda Softworks’ previous game; like the 1950s Nuclear Golden Age (there must be at least someone out there) or just want to see the world burn (why so serious?), I heartily reccomend Fallout 3. Word of warning though: It’s an RPGFPS, with focus on the RPG. IF YOU DO NOT ENJOY LOTS AND LOTS OF OPEN-ENDED QUESTS, COUPLED WITH LOTS OF DIALOGUE AND QUITE A FEW STATS, DO NOT FOLLOW MY RECCOMENDATION. HOWEVER, IF YOU ENJOYED OBLIVION YOU PROBABLY WON’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT. I’M GONNA POST UP MORE OF FALLOUT 3 AS I FIND IT, AND MAYBE EVEN SOME OF MY OWN TALES IN THE WASTELAND. I’M ALSO GONNA STOP SHOUTING NOW.

 

I Love You, Vault Boy.

Healey’s Overview of The Dark Knight

Warning: Possible Tiny Spoilers… So don’t whinge.

I just watched The Dark Knight. I know, I know; it’s a little late to be reviewing it, but instead I’m just going to do a basic summary of what’s to like and… not to like, I guess. For those of you who don’t know, The Dark Knight is the sequel to Batman Begins, and once again features Christian Bale, Morgan Freeman and some others. The Dark Knight is also prominently known for featuring the late Heath Ledger, and I can say definitively this is his greatest role.

Let’s kick things off with what I like about the Dark Knight. Firstly, it follows the style of Batman that’s probably the most apt. For those of you unfortunate enough to have seen the live-action 60’s TV show, you will know Adam West and Co., although admittably awesome, are not really… suited to The Batman.

 

This is NOT Batman. This is SACRILIGE.

In a far cry from this… monstrosity… The Dark Knight is wonderfully dark and gloomy, and the modern setting and technology helps the feel immensely. At first I was concerned about the poor lighting (my copy is filmed in a theatre), but I realised that actually helped the experience. It meant I didn’t have to look at Christian Bale’s face much (ZOMG ZINGA). Seriously though; I don’t want to see Batman as anything but an emo caped crusader, and this mood actually sets it apart really well from the other Superhero Movies out there. Moving on…

I was trying to stop myself from saying this, but screw myself. Heath Ledger is fantastic as The Joker. Not all the kudos should go to Heath, though, as the writing for the character is amazing. Not to mention his makeup. Heath Ledger took a character that was in danger of becoming a cliche (Danny DeVito) and managed to put his own unique look on the quintessential Villain. This also brings up a point of why I like this movie: The Villains are fucking insane. This is another Batman facet I’m pleased to see back. There’s something about almost all the main characters in Batman: they’re damaged. Batman himself is a good character to deconstruct. On one hand, he’s a lawful vigilante who thwarts crimes without killing people. On the other, he has an unhealthy obsession with it all; it all started from the trauma of his parents death and he took it way beyond the line. Not to mention all the demented personalities of Arkham Asylum. The Joker, at least in the movie, suffered an abusive father who abused him. Or did he? Throughout the film, The Joker gives many different reasons for his disfigurement (Smile-like scars carved into his mouth), which create a character who’s possibly plain evil. Nevertheless, for whatever reason, the Joker is messed up. As is Harvey Dent, AKA Two Face, obsessed with fairness and 50-50 chances. These are the sorts of villains I like to see in Batman. They’re villains that make you think. And all of them are damaged. Say what you will, but this definitely makes them more memorable.

 

The Joker = Win

Right, now that that’s done, let’s talk a bit about what makes the film a bit poorer. Two things, really, but I’m going to include them in one paragraph. First of all: This thing is LONG (LOL). I started watching at about 8, and it finished two and a half hours. So don’t watch it if you don’t have a fair amount of spare time. Secondly, and possibly connected to the first one, the movie tends to be a bit confusing in the later stages. Sure, there’s an awesome moral message, but to get to that you’ll have to wade through PAGES of exposition and explanation. All that said and done, though, The Dark Knight remains a favorite film of mine in the half hour since I watched it. Keep tuned, readers, for a detailed breakdown of Batman awesomeness. Or maybe other heroes.

Annoying Trends of ‘08

I know it’s only October, but I’m going to get all retrospective already, whether you like it or not. So take that. Anyway; I feel safe in saying 2008 has been a great year. Many people say 2008 is the year of change – After all, America’s getting a new president, at last – but I’ve noticed…. Well, it isn’t. There seems to be a massive amount of trends popping up in 2008, and let’s take the opportunity to expose them for the uncreative messes they are, shall we?

ZOMGSEQUELS!!1!:

I’m going to say this upfront. 2008 is full of sequels. Gaming seemed to notice this, but don’t think films (or even books) have managed to get away with it. I couldn’t be bothered finding all the sequels of 2008, but here’s a brief look back on the year that was:

 

Ah... Original.

 

 

Euch. Still, so long as the original was good, sequels are good too, right? Not really. A lot of these sequels seem to just be milking the franchise for all it’s worth before it dies off for good. In the case of Rambo, my money’s on Stallone dying before the franchise does. Huzzah. Anyway, another disutrbing trend (but not one big enough to be its own) is the frequency of the digit 4. It seems all the big-budget blockbusters for this year (Namely, Grand Theft Auto and Metal Gear Solid) were all 4ers. Does this mean we’ll see more sequels in ‘09? I hope not. Well, so long as it’s at least Grand Theft Auto 5. Or maybe Iron Man 2.

A Boy And His Dog

Okay, it seems like a really miniscule “Trend”, but it’s something that’s been bothering me. Well, not bothering. Like, it doesn’t keep me up at night. But still. It seems Dogs are apparently the new way to connect audiences to the medium. Dogs have been featured in games quite a bit. Some retro gamers will remember with non-fondness the Dog from Duck Hunt, who would laugh at you whenever you missed a shot.

Let's see you fire a gun. Dick.

Though of course, there have been many games about dogs (Minus A Dog’s Life for the PS2), and perhaps for good reason. In any case, the big draw card for Games this year was the emotional connection; really making the player feel what the game feels. Apparently, both Bethesda Software and Lionhead Studios decided the best way to do this was to put dogs in their game. It seems to be doing well, too. Dogmeat and… “Dog” have both been commented on as being an emotional connection to the game. I once read a Bethesda blog about a playtester trying for an evil character. In his words:

“That’s until I met Dogmeat. Dogmeat taught me how to love.”

A virtual dog warmed the virtual heart of a real person. That’s gotta be a good sign.

Electronica makes a comback. About time.

I’ll admit one thing. I’m not normally one for modern music. Sometimes I feel like the uncool kid; only catching on to the “latest” music at least a year afterwards. So it’s rather relieving to find a connection to the world of today with some new music releases. Electronica has always seemed like Music’s European cousin; only popular in German raves. So it’s a breath of fresh air to see artists like Sam Sparro, The Presets and even (guh) Lady GaGa. Okay, maybe this paragraph is going against the title of the post, but nevertheless I’m sticking by it as a trend of ‘08.

Australia hates everything

I live in Australia. It’s a pretty good country, though admittably I’d rather live in the USA or some other place. But this year has shown a reason for me to hate my country. For some reason, Australia’s censorship board, the OFLC, is particularly sensitive this year. 2008 has seen such big-name releases such as Grand Theft Auto IV and Fallout 3, and those names bring me to my point. Both of these games were edited for Australian release. I’m still unaware of what was edited from Grand Theft Auto IV, but Fallout 3 had to remove the real-world Morphine as a usable drug. Yeah, I don’t know why either. This can probably be attributed to one thing; the fact Australia has no 18+ Games Rating. We have this rating for Film and even books, for God’s sake. So why is it difficult to bring in one for games? The debate continues. Still, if there is one good thing to come from this, it’s that my own 15-year self can purchase these mind-warping games.

Well, that looks about it for now. If I can think of anything else I hate, I’ll keep you posted. Oh, and if you’ve noticed something annoying about 2008, post it down there in the comments so all the world can see. Saves me writing more material.

Flash Games: Not What You Think

There’s lots of games out there. Lots of crap games. That’s what I’m here for. Fortunately, though, there’s lots of decent ones, too, and if you’re lucky you can find a decent one on the internet for free. They’re not rips, though, they’re flash games online. And seeing as you’re clearly using an internet of some sort to read this page, they should be easy enough to find. Tell you what: I’ll even link you. Not all links may work within a school network, though. In fact, this may lead to my site being banned on a school network. My life goal will be complete.

Flash Game One: The Impossible Quiz, 1 and 2

http://www.notdoppler.com/theimpossiblequiz.php

http://www.notdoppler.com/theimpossiblequiz2.php

Cardboard tastes like mayonaise, claims a helpful hint in the loading screen of the Impossible Quiz 2. That’s the sort of logic you’ll have to utilise to get back the first fucking question. Although you will lose this game, not doubt within the first five questions, it’s so fun (and funny) I found myself not even caring when I had to answer 20 questions I’d already answered before. Plus, there’s a certain sense of logic to most of the questions, though you’ll probably have to be more internet-savvy then normal people. Still, both versions of the quiz are rollicking, though for better “gameplay” try 2. Or try 1 first, then improve when you get fed up.

Boxhead: More Rooms

http://www.boxhead2play.info/

http://www.boxheadgame.com/boxhead_more_rooms.html

Boxhead is awesome. Well, if you like guns, zombies and repetitive shooting. For some reason though, it’s addictive, and I ended up spending an entire English lesson blasting the undead with a friend. Oh, but you can only do that on 2Play. Still, both versions are fun, so long as it’s either More Rooms or 2Play. The premise is simple. You start with a pistol, which has unlimited ammo, and numerous zombies are looking to eat your brains. Apply pressure to trigger to make a bullet apply pressure to a zombie’s brain. Eventually, you get better weapons, improved rates of fire and ammo capacity; but the number and ferocity of zombies and devils (yes, devils) increases. Here’s a tip from an expert: The shotgun is the best weapon you need. Once you have all the upgrades, it’s just a matter of making sure you have enough ammo to see you through. Oh, and don’t get surrounded. So DON’T BACK YOURSELF UP AGAINST A WALL.

Bloons, More Bloons, Even More Bloons, Bloons TD1, Bloond TD2, etc, etc

http://www.bloons247.com/

That site has all of them. Simply put, Bloons is concerned with popping Balloons. For some reaason known only to the creator himself (by that, I mean God), popping Balloons (I refuse to call them Bloons) is very fun. Not only that but it’s (groan) educational. In a way. I mean, never before have I though so much about angles of reflection, drag and altitude versus velocity. Maybe that’s because I’m boring though. But yeah. Bloons, More Bloons and Even More Bloons is about popping as many Balloons as you can using a limited amount of darts. Bloons TD1 and TD2 (Tower Defence 1 & 2) is a standard Tower Defence game, where you have to stop an ever-increasing wave of balloons using placed gun emplacements (or the nearest equivalent). 

I was going to include some others here, but right now I’m all out of ideas. If you have any other flash games you think other people’ll like, feel free to post them in these comments. Cya next time.

Get Behind Me Satan

Not just my personal catchphrase, “Get Behind Me Satan” is the fifth album from indie band The White Stripes. And while casual fans still ponder whether Jack and Meg are brother and sister or in fact a divorced couple, the diehard fans, and indeed reviewers, praise The White Stripes for reasons unknown to me. I’ve been listening to this album repeated for the past few days, and I think that means I’m justified to critique it. So here goes.

 

Jack White is technically not able to perform an Exorcism. We apologise for the misunderstanding.

Let’s start with the good. GBMS takes The White Stripes into a new direction. With a phat new sound, Jack and Meg rock out like the best of them. Well, not really. But still, Get Behind Me Satan shows off the regular bunch of interesting lyrics. Quite a few songs don’t actually seem to mean anything, but I suppose that appeals to some people who just are in it for the music. Quite a few songs are rather uplifting, and managed to bring me out of my computer-induced apathy, if only for me to sink back into it. Unfortunately… that’s about all the album has going for it. So, with that out of the way, let’s rip this fucking thing to shreds.

Okay, let’s get one thing done. I know Jack White is the guitarist of The White Stripes. This means he’s done a lot of cool things with the ax, even going so far as to make a regular guitar sound like a bass guitar in “Seven Nation Army”. Y’know, as opposed to just using a bass. Dedication is what it is. But, that said, Jack White should not do guitar solos. Song 8, Instinct Blues,  is a top showcase of this. the solos throughout the song are terrible. It’s like Jack is just flailing wildly on the strings, hoping to make some magical combination of notes. It’s like Jack is an amateur guitarist in a high-school rock band, attempting to write the Best Solo Ever Known To Man, but producing something akin to cat wails. It almost seems like he doesn’t even have faith in himself, as the “solos” are pitifully long, and often end abruptly, as if he signalled to Meg he couldn’t think of anything else to do. 

 

*Not Jack White.

Okay, so we’ve established that. Let’s move on to the other half, literally. Meg. Meg is quite a few things. Pretty, maybe. Plays drums, yes. Has experience in other percussion? Sure, why not? But, just as Jack has something he can’t do, so does Meg. Meg can’t seem to sing. I’m sorry to be critical to her. Track 9, Passive Manipulation, is essentially her talking. I also really hope she didn’t write the song, as it uses the most obtuse and obvious rhymes to create one of the most pointless songs I’ve ever heard. Sorry, Meg. I really am. Thank god it’s only about a minute long, though.

That said, Get Behind Me Satan does have several good songs. Blue Orchid kicks the album off to a good start, and the flow is kept… afloat by “My Doorbell”, “The Denial Twist” and “Take, Take, Take”. So it’s not all bad, and well worht a listen, I suppose, if you’re into that sort of thing. I’m just glad I don’t have ot listen to it for a while. two days of constant Get Behind Me Satan is a little… Wearying.

Dexter: Not About Games, For Once

 

Strawberry Jam. Just Strawberry Jam.

 

 

Fine. Here we go. I’m attempting to keep this post as free of spoilers as possible, so theoretically there won’t be any problems with ZOMG SPOILARZ.

What to say about Dexter, then? Well, for one, it’s a series of wonderful books, with a TV series based off the first one. Let’s get down and gritty with a plot analysis.

For those of you who don’t know, Dexter is an edgy show. Simply put, it’s about a serial killer, Dexter Morgan. Though Dexter isn’t a normal serial killing maniac. He works at the Miami Dade Police Department as an expert in Blood Spatter (fancy that), and is known as the cheery optimist about the office, albeit with a slightly sick sense of humour. However, through reasons not revealed until the last few episodes of the first season, Dexter is pretty messed up. He’s gotten death into him from too early an age, and it shows. Dexter hosts something he calls the “Dark Passenger”. This Dark Passenger encourages Dex to kill. It’s a bit like the voice that tells you to eat that last slice of chocolate cake, to bring up a fairly weak analogy. Dexter can’t control the Dark Passenger; the urge to kill is always within him. However, Dexter’s adopted father, Harry Morgan, saw this in him. Knowing what he was up against, Harry taught Dexter a code. Obviously, number one isDon’t Get Caught. Though the most interesting tenant of this code is the one Dexter must live by: Only Kill People Who Deserve It. That is, murderers who escape the system. And Dexter does this very well. Well, it’s not as if he’s got anything else to do with his spare time. Oh wait; he does. To maintain the image of a Happy Human Life (he’s rather convinced he’s not Human), Dexter dates Rita, a woman who’s fairly damaged herself, having been assaulted by her ex-husband. Oh, and then there’s Dexter’s adopted system, Deborah, and Sargent Doakes, who’s certain there’s something messed up about Dex.

 

 

Takes Life. Seriously.

 

 

 

If I had to give a recommendation (and I do), I’d urge you to read the books first. Obviously, the TV series has been sanitised a bit (it may be hard to believe), and there are some scenes put in simply to fulfill the non-murder-loving audience. These bits range from mildly interesting to incredibly boring and insipid. Both the books and TV series are presented through a first-person perspective, narrated by the man himself, and both, though more so in the books, utilise a stream-of-conciousness delivery. In both mediums, the writing is top notch, and gives an interesting twist on the Murder-Mystery genre. Now, I’m almost 500 words in and I’ve just been gabbing off about the plot. Let’s get moving.

The music in Dexter is superb. Rolfe Kent’s compositions manage to invoke many emotions, and are clearly inspired by the Latino-American setting of Miami, Florida. The opening sequence itself is a thing of beauty, and I urge you to look it up. The music appears bright and cheery, but like Dexter himself holds a dark shadow that you only realise listening through several times.

Dexter features something a lot of cop shows don’t, or at least, don’t feature well (Horatio, I’m looking at you). The stream-of-conciousness allows for some odd thoughts to pop in, much like JD from Scrubs. Dexter often features dark comedy, very jarring amongst the murder but appreciated because of it.

The acting, however, is possibly where Dexter starts to trip up. Don’t get me wrong. Michael C. Hall portrays the character brilliantly, and Sargent Doakes quite often gave me the frights. Where it fails, though, is Lieutenant LaGuerta, played by Lauren Velez. I don’t know whether it’s calculated, but she irritates me immensely. Though maybe that’s the point.

Well, I’m out of things to say about this wonderful series. If you’re smart like me (hint hint) you’ll at least take a look at Dexter. There’s a lot worse. Like maybe getting garrotted.

Stupid Gaming Season

*Warning. This post sees me getting rather nerdy. If you are allergic to the gaming ghetto, steer clear*

*Also warning. This post has very little optimism. Basically, I’m trying to crush my dreams*

Well, it’s getting to that time of year again. The time when developers and publishers push into overdrive to get a pre-pre-christmas rush in. Although I only have a couple of hundred dollars to spend (which doesn’t exactly get you far in Australia), I’m going to be taking a look at quite a few of the games on offer this season, and see if I can make a reason to support the fact I don’t want them anyway.

Righto, let’s being with a very-lovingly-expected game: Fallout 3.

 

Not actual cover art, but still pretty cool.

Simply put, I can’t wait for Fallout 3. Even though it’s still 9 days away, I feel like I have it already. What really attracted me to the game would be its story and lore. For those of you who don’t know, the Fallout series is set in a post-nuclear-apocalypse America, where for some reason the cheery optimism of the 1950s is still alive and kicking. It creates a rather jarring feel, as you’re essentially looking at a future may have been. Still, Fallout 3 is an RPG, games whihc I tend to say “yippee” to and then forget about after a few hours random wandering. Luckily, though, Fallout 3’s story is looking good, and I’m really interested in even just walking around the wasteland, seeing what I can dig up. Oh yeah, and to all the Fallout whiners. Dude, isometric is so 90s OMGLOL.. *Ahem*.

Now then: Far Cry 2.

 

Not even Official art this time.

Far Cry 2, like its predessecor Far Cry and its spiritual brother, Crysis, looks fantastic. Plus, I don’t think I’ve ever played an FPS set in Africa. You know what? I’m going to say it. I have never played an FPS set in Africa. It makes for a lot of interesting situations, as apparently fire will be a big display of the engine’s technology. As for gameplay…..Eh. Don’t get me wrong; I love Crysis. It looks beautiful. Unfortunately, the sheer options in the game (Or should that be lack of direction?) often left me bamboozled. Many times I was content to simply wander off into an army camp and shoot all the guards one by one. I still haven’t finished it to this day, and my computer is no longer the Pristine “very high” setting Conquerer it once was. Though I should probably remember it isn’t Crysis. It’s Far Cry 2.

Huzzah, Comrade: Command And Conquer: Red Alert 3

 

Not even the goddam game this time.

Just take a look at that picture. LOOK AT IT. BEAR CAVALRY. That’s the sort of game I have to make look bad. I just can’t do it, to tell the truth. Those units aren’t in this game, but let me rattle off a few that are. Bears that parachute into battle. A boat that turns into a fighter jet. A troop transport that uses a “Man Gun” to fire soldiers into battle. OH HELL YES. Featuring the Allies (Americans, I guess), Soviets (FTW) and the Empire of the Rising Sun (Japan), Red Alert 3 is whacky and proud of it. Almost every unit is unique to one specific faction, so the game has a distinctive flavour no matter who you play as. Right. I must stop talking about this now, or I will salivate.

Here’s something to take my mind off: Call of Duty: World At War

 

Not even related. Incidentally, also my new wallpaper.

Hm… I’m ambivalent on this one. On one hand, the Call of Duty series is well known for its wonderful storytelling and incredible multiplayer. On the other… Hm… It’s a hard one to peg. I think I may be a little past COD’s multiplayer. It often seems the concept of “unlockable weapons” isn’t there for the expert players, as it should be, but merely a reward for grinding XP. On the other, at last a WWII game that isn’t about the war in Europe. It should be interesting to see where Treyarch goes with the Japanese enemy and tactics, and of course, Call of Duty’s story and Co-Op campaign.

Wrapping it up, a shambling shooter from the graveyard. Well, not really, but it’s still been Left 4 Dead.

 

Look up your own picture if you want to know what it looks like.

This game, too, looks amazing. I must say, though, that the whole “4″ thing is a bit… hacky. Sort of reminds me of songs called, say, “2 Kool 4 U” by bands called “Sk8″ or “U2″ or some other stupid name. Nevertheless, the game looks pretty good. I only hope my internet holds out for Co-op campaign, otherwise the game is pretty much useless. Oh, and while I’m at it: the Source engine, in all niceness, is starting to look a little… Um… creaky. It’s hard to believe Valve is still running this thing. Still, Half Life 2 and Team Fortress 2 both use it, and they’re both great games in their own right. Still, something to think about, Valve.

EDIT: Just remembered I hadn’t actually said anything about the fucking game. So here it is. Left 4 Dead is a zombie survival shooter that sees four survivors up against a zombie menace (didn’t see that coming, did you?) caused by something similar in representation to the Rage Virus but completely unrelated ’cause that’d be copyright infringement. Oh, and the Rage virus didn’t give some of its victims 20ft prehensile tongues. Which is what this virus thingy does. Thus making it the best virus ever. Anyway, the big drawcard of the game is that it can be played by four human players over the internets. Whilst this could be good (Valve has good experience with online shooting), there’s the inevitable dickery the internet features, which could seriously screw up this game. Still, the game looks and sounds awesome, and I look forward to blasting the undead with 3 living friends. Like, actually real.

Right. Well, that’s it. Geez, so much for keeping the word count down. If only I could submit these instead of essays, I’d just be set. That is, except for the writing quality. Oh well. I might “preview” some more games later on… And also, keep a watch out for my opinion of Fallout 3. Maybe I’ll do some blog entries about it. Anyway, peace.

The Healius, Part 3: How To Kill Your Family. Unintentionally.

So I finally got a good brain going. I’ve formed my own little tribe, with supreme Chieftain Wastren at the helm.

 

With Wastren as a leader, how can this go wrong?

Assisting Wastren are a gaggle of other tribespeople, including Pendu, Tealin, Womings, Katte and Aurish. Although they’re not that good at naming, things look good for my plan to unite the tribes. As Herbivores are usually peaceful, the way to go for this one is… playing music to other tribes. Apparently they like it. Oh well, you take what you’re given. Let’s roll. But before that, let’s go for a bit of a wander. Taking a look around, we’ve already identified our first friends-to-be:

 

Oh, this is gonna be easy.

 Oh, what a fool I was. I soon discovered Herbivores are… Well, simply put, no-one likes Herbivores. Well, except those horned dudes. We made friends very quickly. All you have to do is play some music and give them some food. Surely every tribe loves music and food? Whilst we were calmly and peacefully collecting fruit, it was slightly jarring to see this:

 

See this dude with the hat? See how this dude with the hat has a spear? See how the dude with the hat and the spear is going to kick my ass?

Yeah… Needless to say, those dudes are not friendly. And although they have sweet hats and fairly good looking masks, they’re a threat. Over the next few days, our tribe saw many attacks from these bastards. Not friendly attacks either. By the way, did I mention these guys are evil? Like, really evil. They killed one of the baby Healius. I… err.. don’t have a picture of that, but just take me for my word. I’m definately not trying to instigate an attack on an innocent tribe who meant no harm

 

I...err... Um..... SHUT UP

Fuck it. Okay, I attacked them. But don’t let that dissuade you. We are a peace loving tribe. In the intentions of keeping the peace, I took a pre-emptive strike to prevent them from damaging anything else on Spode’s beautiful Planet Healey. Unfortunately, those war-loving bastards managed to take down a few Healius in the fray. Damn them. They shall be remembered as heroes on the battlefield. Okay, we sold their bodies for taxidermy. But it was in the spirit of heroism. So our plan was clear: we had to secure the continent from any war-loving commies. Err, I mean, facists. Let’s do this. But first… WOAH.

 

Um... I... WOAH.

Yup, that’s the Millenium Falcon. For all you people who are not nerds, that’s the name of a ship on Star Wars. Someone’s made it in Spore. Many times over, I imagine. Weird. Already, there’s visitors to this planet. I don’t blame em. Anyway, my tribe members are a little scared. They’re also a little pissed; the Falcon took some of our domesticated animals. Han Solo is a bit of a dick, really. Anyway, back to the task at hand.

 

BAHAHAHAHA! BAHAHAHAHAHA! THE WORLD BURNS!

…Okay, I’m really starting to enjoy this. I guess thousands of years of species oppression is starting to get to the Healius. Okay, okay, let’s calm down a bit. It’s going to be okay. I think. What the Healius really needs right now is a hobby. Something to take their mind off their blind rage and thirst for blood. Knitting? Nah, too girly. War?… No. We already did that twice. Making friends? Yeah, it’s pretty good. But there’s only so many tentacle things you can make friends with before getting really annoyed. Hm… How about something mutually beneficial to the tribe? Something like… FASHION?

 

I love how even the baby Healius wears the moustache

Aww yeah. Clearly, the Healius is evolved. Maybe that’s why so far the wars we’ve been involved in have cost us many tribe members. Like, 10. Seeing as I started with 3, we’re looking at a investment loss. That’s a problem. Maybe as a bit of a parallel to the stock market, instead of focusing on the issues, the Healius is going to war and making allies. Zing. You know what? I haven’t even seen any Epics so far. And even my original chieftan, Wastren, is still alive.

 

OH SCREW YOU FORCES OF NATURE

…Damn it.

……………..Okay…………..

At least my entire tribe isn’t gone. And at least we’re smart now. Well, smarter. Mind you, Wastren wasn’t exactly smart if he thought he could make an Epic into his pet. Fool. If anything, I’m glad to get rid of him. And don’t let me hear you say I’ve gotten jaded and I’ve become the thing I hate. I’d have to kill you. Well, here we go. At least we don’t have to live in crappy huts anymore. Nation of Healius, here we come.

 

*Insert Patriotic Music, With Some Narration About Our Future*

The Beginning of Human Relations in Space

Throughout galactic history, there have, of course, been many evolved civilizations that have spread past the cradle of their planet’s atmosphere and into space. And, of course, it was only a matter of time before they came into contact with “less smart” species, and for one reason or another try to impart wisdom on them. Among these many intelligent civilizations is, or was, a minuscule race known as Humans; monkey creatures who thought opposable thumbs were the greatest things to ever happen. After many years of bickering and blowing each other up in increasingly nasty ways, they eventually called a truce and instead began the search for other cultures outside their solar system to blow up. After many years of searching, they concluded they didn’t want to meet other species and the whole of space was a load of dog’s bollocks anyway. As it would happen, it was approximately at this moment one of their communications arrays beamed back a signal: the Human beings had finally found an intelligent society.

Although Mankind was at first elated to have found interstellar brothers, there was a slight problem in initial relations. Although Humans had so readily sent out communicators, they had neglected to create a universal translator, and thus neither species understood each other. By coincidence, the Human language and that of their new neighbors, the Poggart, were uncannily similar in appearance and sound, but yet had radically different meanings. So, when the Humans sent their first message to the Poggart, “We hope for good relations between our two species”, the Poggart scientists were shocked to hear their foreign visitors say, quite bluntly, “Go stick your head in a pig”. Relations were damaged almost irreparably in one foul swoop.

Eventually, though, the universal translator was developed and the incident was patched up with Human diplomatic ingenuity. The time came where the two cultures decided it was time to learn about each other. When the Poggart told the Humans about their pet Goosnarghs, the Humans smiled politely and nodded. When the Humans told the Poggart about their yoga workouts, the Poggart quietly sharpened their battle spears. In time, the conversation shifted topics to that of their domiciles. The Humans told the Poggart about their lawn, and the Poggart were enraptured. The Humans told the Poggart about mowing the lawn and sprinklers and keeping neighborhood kids off it, and the Poggart were thrilled. For some reason known only to genetics, the Poggart had a hidden brain synapse that had not yet clicked until this discussion. Something about the premise of lawns created new life in their overworked brains. Intrigued, the Poggart inquired if there was some way to acquire these “Lawns”. The Humans, never failing to see a way to make money, agreed there was, however the Poggart would have to send payment for “Postage & Handling”.

It was a momentous day in Humanity. For the first time in history, the Human beings were exploiting the naivety of a foreign race. It was not to be the last. To create trust between the races, the Humans agreed to send some Lawn on honor, only expecting pay once the package was received. The Poggart received their consignment in due time, and were exhilarated. What they didn’t know was that to preserve the Lawn during delivery, the Humans had instead sent astroturf. So, whilst the Poggart waited less-than-patiently for their Lawn to grow so it could be mowed, the Humans waited patiently for their payment. They were unsure exactly how they were going to be paid, as being a fledgling spacegoing species, they had no idea of the universal currency used in most civilized places in the galaxy. Earth, as well as Ponfarg, were both uncivilized races in comparison, and used their own global currencies. After some waiting, the Humans finally saw what they had been waiting for had at last arrived. A makeshift satellite, made of what appeared to be rocks, had finally reached Earth’s atmosphere. Slowly, the Human extraction team took apart the satellite and unleashed what was inside, expecting gems or other such valuable materials. It was a foolish act on behalf of the Humans, and this was the beginning of their introduction to the real galaxy. Contained inside the rock crate the stone satellite had been housing was approximately five hundred pounds of green rock. Later testing revealed it to be radioactive material, and it seemed the Gift Receiving Committee (made up of prominent figures such as the President of Earth) had now received radiation poisoning. Fortunately, the Humans accepted different cultures had different payments for gifts and trades, and sent a message to the Poggart thanking them for their payment. Immediately afterwards, they fired four hundred Nuclear missiles in the direction of Ponfarg, calling it a “thank-you” gift and encouraging them never to send them anything again.

The Galactic Council immediately decided the small species known as the Human Race were incredible jerks.

They were right.