A History of Raptoria

So, you’ve finally decided to join the most glorious nation of Raptoria. While your passport is being devoured processed, you may want to take the time to learn about this lovely country*!

 

The core province of Raptoria, united under the twin peaks of GRARGH! and SKUUL'MUKT!

Raptoria is and always has been in existance. Anything contrary to this opinion is in fact heresy; You would be wise to report the instigator to the authorities. Despite what you may have heard about the extinction of the dinosaurs approximately 65 Million years ago, the Raptors survive (and, indeed, thrive) in their current situation. How? The answer isn’t entirely simple. It comes from a unique blend of Technology, Medicines, Magic, and Herbs and Spices. The Raptors themselves are not liable to give up the answer anytime soon. The only viabe answer, then, is that the Velociraptors are indeed the chosen race, as described in the book of Paco (a lesser-known and often-omitted chapter of the Old & New Testament, as well as the Qua’ran):

12. And so, it was decided amongst the great beasts to elect a leader. 13. Five candidates were chosen, representing the Brontosaurus, T-Rex, Pteradons, Stegosaurus and Triceratops races of the beasts. 14. The election day was held on the 1st of August, which had been forever known as the day of Terrence’s House Party. 15. And so, the great beasts cast their votes to decide a new leader. 16. Before the votes were counted, however, one Toby of the Raptors did enter the room, and did slay the other candidates. 17. It was decided Toby would be the new leader, as no-one would fuck with Toby. 18. Toby then did play an awesome rock guitar solo, and the bitches did swarm to him.

To this day, August 1st is celebrated as the Day of Ascension. In honour of Toby’s mystical hobby, Raptors everywhere pile out onto the streets, shredding wildly in the hopes of striking the holy chords. For many Raptors, it is a chance to spend time with the family, and even the young Raptor Spawn can be seen standing on pillars, miniature Raptor Pauls in claw. No Raptor city bustles with more activity than the capital, RARRK!; a city often described as “like Rome, Paris, New York, London, the whole of Singapore, and Beijing, all on acid”. For it is here the countless Massacre Memorials stand as both graves and convinient rocking-out-pillars. Because the Raptorian army has never lost a soldier (not even to old age), the memorials are instead in honour (or mockery) of the fallen enemy. Because of the Raptors’ propensity to wage war and conquer, these memorials take up half the city, as well as the surrounding countryside. It’s only a minor inconvinience, though, as the Raptors also use flying apartment blocks to support their population. These apartment blocks were actually developed in 2231, and then sent back in time to the 1400s, where the already-advanced Raptor Race made use of the generousity of their future descendants to become the biggest empire in the world. You know how they say “The sun never sets on the British Empire”? Well, in Raptoria they have their own phrase: “Cluk’Cluk’Cluk! BARABBAT! KWINCHEEEE!”. Roughly translated, this becomes “Both the British Sandwich and Pungent Sun that revolves around it belongs Melon to Raptoria!”. This is, of course, being modest. 

It is a well known fact all books, even those not yet written, have been written by a Raptor. One raptor specifically; Brother Lloyd (his descendants have always been called Lloyd) is in charge of all publications, and is permitted to edit them as he sees fit; often resulting in newspaper articles like the one below:

However, the history of  Raptoria is not entirely bright. Throughout the years, many thorns have irritated the sacred nation’s side. Most notably during the 14th century (and coincidentally, the 28th Raptor Hundred Years War), when rebellious human slaves led a foolish and doomed attempt to overthrow the High Priest Chancellor of Raptoria, Francis XIXVII. The humans fought a brave but ignoble fight, and the rebellion was swiftly crushed. Many humans fled to the underground, however, and remain a nuisance by constantly showing up in Raptor granaries, stealing whatever scraps they can. Many Raptor families have exterminators on quickdial, and the number is more commonly used than the emergency services in most cases. Fire, however, remains a constant problem, as Raptors are prone to attack something (such as a gas tank, with matches and a flamethrower) when irritated. Also a large factor is the constant laboratory tests by the numerous Science Raptors, all eagerly exploring the royally-sponsored Explosion Physics. The most famous fire in memory would be the Great Fire of RARRRK!, which lasted approximately twelve hundred years, albeit often shrinking to light a candle. The cause of the fire remains a mystery, but is arguably best-known for killing several thousand slaves and interns. In a fit of rage, the king of the time (Jacob XXXXVIII) ordered the invasion of all the territories surrounding Raptoria, and agreed to ceasefire only once the slave numbers had been replaced and then some.

 

Currently Raptor-held territories. Not including several space colonies.

 

To this day, however, the Raptorian Empire remains on of the most well-known and respected planets in the world, and is very welcoming to all residency applications. EXCEPT YOURS. GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN.

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEE! GRAAAAAAAAARGH! PLUUUUUUUUURKPLUUUUUUUUURK!

 

*EDUCATION NOT OPTIONAL

Call of Duty: World At War

I have the best metaphor for this game. Are you listening? Are you listening? Well, listen:

Although I wanted to blast COD:WaW into oblivion, break it’s morale and take it prisoner, its bravery and overall competency was enough to warrant a surrender.

I JUST BLEW YOUR MIND. Not really, but still, here we go. For those of you who have lives, Call of Duty: World at War is the next game in the Call of Duty series. Call of Duty games are normally noted for their World War 2 setting, linear but rewarding gameplay and an often grim portrayl of warfare. Then came along Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare, a radical new imagining of the franchise, now offering… err… a linear but rewarding gameplay experience… and a… grim portrayl of warfare. Ah, yes, but this one was in a Modern Setting, which really made all the difference. As everybody knows, World War II happened a long time ago, and there’s only so many years worth of material you can scrounge up. So it was good to see a war game finally make a modern bent that ended up paying off. It appears the Call of Duty franchise has learnt from experience and… gone back to World War II. Riiiiiight. Don’t fret though, this isn’t permanent. Modern Warfare 2 is in production, and this game is made by Treyarch, who you may know as making the gawdawful Call of Duty 3. So their life was on the line here, as some friends of mine already made judgement simply because of this. Oh well. It can’t be that bad… right?

In short, no. In long, no game’s perfect. So let’s get right down to it, I suppose. Let’s start with the bad. The first, most obviously glaring point, is the World War 2 setting. Though something should probably be pointed out to you, the uninformed, that this particular World War 2 setting hasn’t really been seen before. World at War, amongst Russians holding back German forces, also features the rarely-before-seen Pacific Battleground, focusing on Americans turning the tide of the war against the steely Japanese (or Empire of the Rising Sun) warriors. Does it work? Yeah, it does. The pacific location is very effective even solely from the novelty, but it excels in instilling a different mindset of warfare in the player. I’m used to sniping Nazis whilst hiding in a church, or sniping Spetsnaz whilst hiding in an apartment block. In World or War, sniping’s never really come up. There’s trees everywhere (well, everywhere that hasn’t been bombed), and you never know where the enemy’s going to come from. Which brings us to the new enemy. I was always sort of scared of hearing about the Imperial Japanese troops. The dedication, often bordering on psychosis, these guys exhibited is something to be seen. Walking through the rainforest, you can never be entirely certain when there’s going to be an ambush. And then, suddenly: “BANZAI!”, and the soldier comes dashing towards you with a katana. Holy fucking shit. Okay, the life ’round they come out at exactly the same spot, but the first time around I have trouble aiming right. Oh, and then there’s the lesser-known “retard squad” of the Japanese forces. Yeah, the AI’s occaisonally comparable to a rock. Many times I’ve been standing right next to a Jap, whilst he focuses primarily on sniping the Marine four million miles away. Still, its’ nothing game breaking – just turn the difficulty up, I guess – and it still ends up with the feeling intact. Oh, now let’s move on to the depiction of war. This is probably the most brutal COD game I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing. It’s definitely not for the faint-of-heart, though I suppose that’s only a good thing when it comes to war. Single player is a relatively standard affair, following the two radically different stories of two radically different soliders. The differences between the two campaigns are more than purely cosmetic, too. As the Americans you’ll be fighting in an unconventional battlefield, varying from wide open fields to tight-knit jungles. It’s unpredictable, which works well for the setting and ambience of the levels. The Russian campaign sees a great deal more emotional involvement, fighting a war of revenge as the Soviet Army pushes back the nasty old Nazis out of the USSR. It’s literally a war of revenge, too: the very first level of the campaign sees you bleeding to death whilst German soldiers put down your comrades permanently. A lucky break means you get a new lease on life, however, and your squad leader (also part of the massacre) takes a particular hate to the Nazi swine. Both of your commanding officers in both of the campaigns are well-realised characters, each with their own motivation behind the military orders. Roebuck, your C.O. in the Pacific campaign, just wants peace and the end of the war to finally come. Reznov, your Ruskie leader, wants to kill every single German for everything they ever did. The guns feel sturdy throughout the game, and veterans of CoD 4 will have to change their tactics to keep up (?) with the guns of World War 2. Rifles are out in force, which means battle often feels slower and clunkier, but to a historical effect as opposed to bad design. The graphics utilise the same engine as its predecessor, so the game often feels like a full conversion of Modern Warfare. There has been, by the looks of things, some tweaking though, as flames and other environmental effects appear with more clarity and general prettiness-of-ugliness in the harshest of places. 

So that’s single player. Though when Modern Warfare was released, the game’s multiplayer seemed to be better received than the singleplayer. It’s hard to say exactly why, but the unlockable weapons system based on rank seemed to have something to do with it. So now Treyarch not only has to release a good World War 2 game (which is getting increasinly harder these days), they have to deliver the alread rabid fans more of the great multiplayer that is becoming synonymous with the CoD franchise. Let’s start with a word of warning. You can’t expect everything to be fair in WaW’s multiplayer. The fact that different weapons are unlocked depending on your level of XP (gained by kills, headshots, capturing the flag, et cetera, et cetera) means there will be players better off than you are to begin with. Or at least, players that have stuck by the game. There’s a fair amount of grinding involved with the multiplayer, as you’ll find yourself searching for 50 more XP so you can unlock the next weapon. Also a main feature of the game’s multiplayer is the Perks system. Perks (also unlocked by increasing in rank) bestow different advantages to the player, but only a few can be used in one loadout. Although it helps the diversity of players, you’ll find a few perks are… shall we say… Overpowered? True,  they each offer different things, but a few perks, in the right hands, can be nigh on unstoppable. Nevertheless, I enjoyed myself the entire time throughout the experience, simply because the options included are so damn liberating. Whatever mode you play, WaW will (probably) cater to it. The CoD games of late have also started to include new modes that put a spin on classic FPS fodder. Take “Hardcore” mode, for instance. In Hardcore, the HUD is completely removed, friendly fire is always on, and bullets do considerably more damage. It helps the overall realism, if that’s what you’re after, and is definitely for players with a bit more experience. I’m pleased to say World at War’s multiplayer carrys on the grand tradition of fine multiplayer from a well-renowned series.

I wasn’t expecting too much from World at War, to be honest. Another World War 2 shooter, from a developer with a slightly dodgy history, using the same engine as the last game from last year. And it a lot of respects, World at War isn’t exactly revolutionary. But it doesn’t have to be. It’s a solid game that gets by from the success of the game before it, and I can say it is the best WW2 game to date. Hopefully, then, it’ll be the last. 

 

It was only once they'd started burning the effigy of Churchill I'd realised I was on the wrong side.

Superheroes: As Taught By The Master

Okay, welcome to the first lesson of super-powered-dickery. I’m your tutor, Healey, and in this class I hope to teach you what it means to be a real hero. And just so we’re clear, I mean real heroes, not those “Heroes” you see on the evening news.

 

Not a hero. Also, puppies suck. Am I unlikeable enough yet?

To restate my point, I’m talking about real heros, like Superman, Spiderman, or, to a lesser extent, Aquaman. And my goal today will be to impart a bit of knowledge of what it means to be a hero. Y’know, the important stuff; origin story, costumes and a nemesis. With that off the bat, let’s get right to Origins.

An origin is probably the most important thing a Hero can have. Well, apart from… Powers. But that’s for another day; so just for now, let’s pretend an origin is the most important thing a Hero can have. Basically speaking, a superhero can fall into one of five categories (according to City Of Heroes, the flagship Superhero MMORPG from which a lot of this article is based): Natural, Science, Mutant, Technology, and Magic. And let’s clear some of this up, so as you people go away with the right idea: MAGIC IS NOT AN ORIGIN. I don’t care how much you wuv Hawwy Potter, there is no such thing as magic. Prove me wrong? Name one successful superhero who gets their powers from Magic. I’ll give you fourteen billion years. Couldn’t find any? Didn’t think you would. Q.E.D. Anyway, Mutant has been overdone a bit lately (read: forever) due to the Amazing X-Men. Science heroes, although cool and maybe fun, are very geeky. Truth be told, there’s no real “cool” way to “Accidently obstigate the Quanfuntum Splexterbreigner and receive Parisit Hiltonts powers”. You just end up sounding like someone who needs to get out more.

 

Oddly enough, not cool. Wait... Oddly enough?

Based on this evidence, the only viable origins right now are Tech heroes (A la Iron Man) or Natural Heroes (The Batman). That’s the way it goes, kiddies.

Anyway, on to costume. Once again, it’s important to iron out some of the misunderstandings when it comes to creating a caped crusader. First up, capes can still work, despite what the short lady said on The Incredibles. When creating a costume, it’s important to encapsulate some key features. First and foremost, the costume should have something to do with the hero’s power/origin/method. With me so far? The Batman. Looks a bit like a bat. Wonder Woman. Sexy. Iron Man. Covered in metal. Okay, that one was too obvious, but that’s exactly the point. Whatever you do, don’t just throw on some random threads and call yourself a hero. People will laugh at you. It’s just the world we live in. Part of being a hero is getting past the name calling. Mind you, if you’re a superhero who’s getting laughed at in a non-ironic sense, you’re probably not as badass as you think. You may want to stop hanging out with a young boy with a girl’s name. You’re probably also breaking the law. Anyway, costume. These days, latex is on its way out. Sure, it may show off your (*shudder*) curves, but it’s really impractical for getting in/out of, in those situations where you gotta get into your beach clothes. For those times where you just gotta go swimming. Therefore, these days you’re looking for something fashionable, but practical. Like a leather jacket and jeans. Though it has to be distinctive. Like a bright yellow leather jacket, with jeans.

 

Basically, this.

 Oh, and any good supersuit should include gadgets. And not lame gadgets like the campy Batman has. For some reason, as superheroes enter the modern age, they lose some of their powers and must replace them with technology. Works for me, though, as everyone knows the best heroes are either Natural or Tech origins (see article #1). The best gadgets should be stuff that’s completely unnessecary. For instance, a zip line. Seeing as most (if not all) heroes have some sort of flight ability these days, what is the importance of being able to get from one building to another by way of a zip line? You can’t say it’s more secretive or anything. After all, how can you not notice this?

 

Another successful mission, Mr Wayne.

Now that we’ve sorted those two components out, it’s time to find a nemesis. A nemesis should be something useful, not just an annoyance. After all, without a constant enemy, how can you expect press coverage as a superhero? Everyone has a nemesis. Batman has The Joker. Barack Obama has John McCain. The United States has everyone else. In any case, a nemesis is actually handy to have around. There’s many ways to get yourself a nemesis. The most obvious one is just to be a hero. For some reason, every time some super-powered loony is flying around town rescuing little girls and giving homeless puppies homes, someone else shows up to put a stop to it. I’ve been trying to think of a reason for this, and the only possible answer I can think of is that people are dicks. So basically, as long as you’re a decent superhero (read: Good powers) you’ll no doubt attract a nemesis on your own. And no doubt you’ll exchange witty banter before punching each other’s lights out. Though if your superpowers are limited to, say, making custard develop lumps, you’re probably going to need some help. A good exercise to do would be to go around randomly annoying people. No doubt one of these will take offence and dedicate their lives to destroying you. Or they may just write an angry letter. Yeah, it’s sort of difficult to judge. Although, if all else fails, you have one final alternative:

Click To Enlarge. Hehe. Enlarge.

On that note, I think I’m going to go apply. Maybe there’ll be some more updates about superheroes later. Depending on how this Nemesis gig turns out.