The Healius, Part 3: How To Kill Your Family. Unintentionally.

So I finally got a good brain going. I’ve formed my own little tribe, with supreme Chieftain Wastren at the helm.

 

With Wastren as a leader, how can this go wrong?

Assisting Wastren are a gaggle of other tribespeople, including Pendu, Tealin, Womings, Katte and Aurish. Although they’re not that good at naming, things look good for my plan to unite the tribes. As Herbivores are usually peaceful, the way to go for this one is… playing music to other tribes. Apparently they like it. Oh well, you take what you’re given. Let’s roll. But before that, let’s go for a bit of a wander. Taking a look around, we’ve already identified our first friends-to-be:

 

Oh, this is gonna be easy.

 Oh, what a fool I was. I soon discovered Herbivores are… Well, simply put, no-one likes Herbivores. Well, except those horned dudes. We made friends very quickly. All you have to do is play some music and give them some food. Surely every tribe loves music and food? Whilst we were calmly and peacefully collecting fruit, it was slightly jarring to see this:

 

See this dude with the hat? See how this dude with the hat has a spear? See how the dude with the hat and the spear is going to kick my ass?

Yeah… Needless to say, those dudes are not friendly. And although they have sweet hats and fairly good looking masks, they’re a threat. Over the next few days, our tribe saw many attacks from these bastards. Not friendly attacks either. By the way, did I mention these guys are evil? Like, really evil. They killed one of the baby Healius. I… err.. don’t have a picture of that, but just take me for my word. I’m definately not trying to instigate an attack on an innocent tribe who meant no harm

 

I...err... Um..... SHUT UP

Fuck it. Okay, I attacked them. But don’t let that dissuade you. We are a peace loving tribe. In the intentions of keeping the peace, I took a pre-emptive strike to prevent them from damaging anything else on Spode’s beautiful Planet Healey. Unfortunately, those war-loving bastards managed to take down a few Healius in the fray. Damn them. They shall be remembered as heroes on the battlefield. Okay, we sold their bodies for taxidermy. But it was in the spirit of heroism. So our plan was clear: we had to secure the continent from any war-loving commies. Err, I mean, facists. Let’s do this. But first… WOAH.

 

Um... I... WOAH.

Yup, that’s the Millenium Falcon. For all you people who are not nerds, that’s the name of a ship on Star Wars. Someone’s made it in Spore. Many times over, I imagine. Weird. Already, there’s visitors to this planet. I don’t blame em. Anyway, my tribe members are a little scared. They’re also a little pissed; the Falcon took some of our domesticated animals. Han Solo is a bit of a dick, really. Anyway, back to the task at hand.

 

BAHAHAHAHA! BAHAHAHAHAHA! THE WORLD BURNS!

…Okay, I’m really starting to enjoy this. I guess thousands of years of species oppression is starting to get to the Healius. Okay, okay, let’s calm down a bit. It’s going to be okay. I think. What the Healius really needs right now is a hobby. Something to take their mind off their blind rage and thirst for blood. Knitting? Nah, too girly. War?… No. We already did that twice. Making friends? Yeah, it’s pretty good. But there’s only so many tentacle things you can make friends with before getting really annoyed. Hm… How about something mutually beneficial to the tribe? Something like… FASHION?

 

I love how even the baby Healius wears the moustache

Aww yeah. Clearly, the Healius is evolved. Maybe that’s why so far the wars we’ve been involved in have cost us many tribe members. Like, 10. Seeing as I started with 3, we’re looking at a investment loss. That’s a problem. Maybe as a bit of a parallel to the stock market, instead of focusing on the issues, the Healius is going to war and making allies. Zing. You know what? I haven’t even seen any Epics so far. And even my original chieftan, Wastren, is still alive.

 

OH SCREW YOU FORCES OF NATURE

…Damn it.

……………..Okay…………..

At least my entire tribe isn’t gone. And at least we’re smart now. Well, smarter. Mind you, Wastren wasn’t exactly smart if he thought he could make an Epic into his pet. Fool. If anything, I’m glad to get rid of him. And don’t let me hear you say I’ve gotten jaded and I’ve become the thing I hate. I’d have to kill you. Well, here we go. At least we don’t have to live in crappy huts anymore. Nation of Healius, here we come.

 

*Insert Patriotic Music, With Some Narration About Our Future*

The Healius, Part 2: Darwinism in Action

Well, I’ve finally reached dry land. It’s a proud day for the Healius species. Already, I feel like this was a good idea. I mean, Cells are cute and all, but only out here in the world of Developed Cerebal Cortex am I able to have a cute little family like this:

See the one second from the left? That's Jerome. He's the family joker.

To celebrate, I went for a bit of a wander. As a herbivore, my main priority is to make friends with other species. Turns out I can do this a number of ways, but I haven’t evolved enough for all of them. Basically, I have to mimic what they do, which can be either Singing, Dancing, Charming or Posing. At the moment, though, all I’m good for is Singing. Thank Spode I have a mouth. First species I came across was this weird-looking spider thingy. Although normally it would be considered the stuff of kid’s nightmares, in the case of the Healius, it’s a potential BFF.

Jon Bon Jovi, eat your heart out.

Fortunately, my pitch-perfect soprano won over the vicious black heart of the spiderthingy. Feeling victorious, I wandered a little further over the plains. I must say, as a creature living on a planet where purple is a commoner colour than, say, green, you get used to seeing a lot of odd things. However, nothing could prepare me for this:

I still don't know what the hell these things are.

Needless to say, I was a little freaked out. I mean, there’s so much about the world I haven’t discovered yet… Hopefully, though, the rest of it will be slightly less threatening. And slightly more comprehensible. Nevertheless. If there’s one thing the Healius can do well, it’s gettin’ freaky. Well, not really. In fact, it took me a long while of exploring and finding weird slimy cocoons before I managed to find a mate. And, with all that DNA I accumulated singing to other species, it’s about time to evolve. Aww, hell yeah.

Dayem Healius. You lookin' good.

It. Was. Awesome. Now, instead of looking like some proboscis creature, the Healius looked like a duck. A friendly duck. With lobster claws for hands. Well, it has to start somewhere. Although I couldn’t help but feel I was missing something. Something intangible. At last, I knew what it was. Intelligence. I mean, I love the Healius (especially Jerome), but there’s no denying… These things are dumb. Though it would seem gaining intelligence is harder then merely donning a pair of glasses. No; that will not do. Not yet, anyway. In any case, to get smart I had to make a lot more friends. So what the hell was I doing attacking a species clearly stronger than me?

Pictured: Scary angry blobs. Not Pictured: Me getting my ass kicked about 1 second afterwards.

Of course, that was not a battle I won. I learnt my lesson: stay the hell away from angry blobs of any size. To assist in this quest of non-ass-kicking, I developed a pretty set of wings. Well, not entirely pretty, but nevertheless useful. It means I can fly, something that’s always useful. Except it means I burn through food quite a bit faster. Thus, I have a new objective: get some yummy fruit. Although a funny thing happened. I’m sure it happens to everyone. You go down to the local tree for some fruit, then all of sudden a massive, homicidal Godzilla’s grandad comes along and decides a Healius would make a lovely light snack.

"How can you think of food at a time like this?"

That caption could alternately read simply “OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP”. Luckily, though, I had those angelic wings to help. It was a bit of a race, seeing as that thing has a legspan of roughly four billion miles. Unfortunately, I managed to lose a dear friend of mine I’d manage to convince to follow me blindly. Poor Quincy. He shall be missed. He’s the yellow one. It would appear when we flew away Quincy bravely stood his ground and attempted to intimidate the monster. It did not work. Maybe when this is all over we’ll get together and laugh at this over a beer. Oh… Probably not. Oh well, I’m okay now.

OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP

Another chase ensures. Luckily, though, I escape again. Unfortunately, Jerome wasn’t so lucky. JEROME!!! He will always be missed. In an ironic twist, it was only after Jerome stopped holding me back, the Healius was able to move forward evolution-wise. This bittersweet event, although unfortunate for Jerome, means I’m finally smart enough to be sapient. No more foraging for food and singing to other species for me. Now, I’m movin’ on up to the Tribal stage. This is a new beginning.

The perfect picture of Evolution at its finest.

Wait.

What the hell do I do if one of those giant lizards forms a tribe?

OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP

The Healius: A Tale of Evolution, Part 1

So I got Spore a while ago. I don’t care what anyone thinks, it’s a brilliant game. And despite the fact it’s taken over my life (I have played very little TF2 lately), I can’t help but become more addicted. Spore is a great game even for people who don’t usually play games, however these people tend to have no idea what the hell it’s about. That’s why I’m here. So, here it is. The tale of my very own creation and the beginning of a trip through Spore. This is: The Healius Chronicles.

To start, I picked a nice little area of the Milky Way, hopefully far away from all the very angry alien species I know happen to be lurking somewhere.

 

Planet Healey is somewhere in there.

 

As you can see, it’s in the better part of the neighbourhood.

Next up, I had to choose whether to be a herbivore or carnivore. For the purposes of making really cute creatures, I decided to run with Herbivore. Herbivores are always top of the food chain, right?

 

Maybe I should have picked a differently coloured cell

 

So here I am, in the fertile waters of Planet Healey (not my idea). At the moment there’s not much going on, so I decided to begin my fantastic voyage with a nice green lunch. Once in a while, you get lucky, and in this case I ended up finding some massive amounts of microscopic algae in the water. I promptly filled my primordial stomach. Apparently, evolution works on a quantity basis, and soon I had developed enough to get myself some sweet spikes and cilia (those wingy things).

 

If you're wondering what he's looking at, it's a smokin' hot lady amoeba.

 

Unfortunately, though… I got cocky. Turns out even sweet spikes can’t stop a massive fattie cell who insists on killing you.

 

See that pink cloud of blood with chunks of meat in it? Yeah, that was me.

 

I learnt from these mistakes. Well, after dying about seven times I did. It also taught me a lesson I can’t help but think will keep repeating itself: Stay the hell away from carnivores. I learnt this lesson well, and in designing my next evolution I went for something modern; stylish but yet functional. I gave myself a poison thingy and an awesome proboscis. Probosci are totally in these million years. Apparently, straws are the most versatile eating utensil there is; during an altercation with a cell I ended up slurping him. Not only that, but I can still eat plants too. Because that’s done me so well up until now.

 

See that purple cloud? No longer blood. Poison. That's right; don't mess with me.

 

All good things must come to an end though. That’s got nothing to do with the cell stage, though, as my time as a herbivorous microscopic organism was absolute hell. I’m starting to think Herbivores finish last, but I guess I must continue this ill-fated journey. After all, this is only the beginning. It seems I’ve developed a working brain now, and my little Healius is ready to move onto land. So, after giving him a pair of trim athletic legs, he’s all ready to go. Hopefully it’s all uphill from here.

 

Ready for a marathon.

Actually; I doubt it.