The Beginning of Human Relations in Space

Throughout galactic history, there have, of course, been many evolved civilizations that have spread past the cradle of their planet’s atmosphere and into space. And, of course, it was only a matter of time before they came into contact with “less smart” species, and for one reason or another try to impart wisdom on them. Among these many intelligent civilizations is, or was, a minuscule race known as Humans; monkey creatures who thought opposable thumbs were the greatest things to ever happen. After many years of bickering and blowing each other up in increasingly nasty ways, they eventually called a truce and instead began the search for other cultures outside their solar system to blow up. After many years of searching, they concluded they didn’t want to meet other species and the whole of space was a load of dog’s bollocks anyway. As it would happen, it was approximately at this moment one of their communications arrays beamed back a signal: the Human beings had finally found an intelligent society.

Although Mankind was at first elated to have found interstellar brothers, there was a slight problem in initial relations. Although Humans had so readily sent out communicators, they had neglected to create a universal translator, and thus neither species understood each other. By coincidence, the Human language and that of their new neighbors, the Poggart, were uncannily similar in appearance and sound, but yet had radically different meanings. So, when the Humans sent their first message to the Poggart, “We hope for good relations between our two species”, the Poggart scientists were shocked to hear their foreign visitors say, quite bluntly, “Go stick your head in a pig”. Relations were damaged almost irreparably in one foul swoop.

Eventually, though, the universal translator was developed and the incident was patched up with Human diplomatic ingenuity. The time came where the two cultures decided it was time to learn about each other. When the Poggart told the Humans about their pet Goosnarghs, the Humans smiled politely and nodded. When the Humans told the Poggart about their yoga workouts, the Poggart quietly sharpened their battle spears. In time, the conversation shifted topics to that of their domiciles. The Humans told the Poggart about their lawn, and the Poggart were enraptured. The Humans told the Poggart about mowing the lawn and sprinklers and keeping neighborhood kids off it, and the Poggart were thrilled. For some reason known only to genetics, the Poggart had a hidden brain synapse that had not yet clicked until this discussion. Something about the premise of lawns created new life in their overworked brains. Intrigued, the Poggart inquired if there was some way to acquire these “Lawns”. The Humans, never failing to see a way to make money, agreed there was, however the Poggart would have to send payment for “Postage & Handling”.

It was a momentous day in Humanity. For the first time in history, the Human beings were exploiting the naivety of a foreign race. It was not to be the last. To create trust between the races, the Humans agreed to send some Lawn on honor, only expecting pay once the package was received. The Poggart received their consignment in due time, and were exhilarated. What they didn’t know was that to preserve the Lawn during delivery, the Humans had instead sent astroturf. So, whilst the Poggart waited less-than-patiently for their Lawn to grow so it could be mowed, the Humans waited patiently for their payment. They were unsure exactly how they were going to be paid, as being a fledgling spacegoing species, they had no idea of the universal currency used in most civilized places in the galaxy. Earth, as well as Ponfarg, were both uncivilized races in comparison, and used their own global currencies. After some waiting, the Humans finally saw what they had been waiting for had at last arrived. A makeshift satellite, made of what appeared to be rocks, had finally reached Earth’s atmosphere. Slowly, the Human extraction team took apart the satellite and unleashed what was inside, expecting gems or other such valuable materials. It was a foolish act on behalf of the Humans, and this was the beginning of their introduction to the real galaxy. Contained inside the rock crate the stone satellite had been housing was approximately five hundred pounds of green rock. Later testing revealed it to be radioactive material, and it seemed the Gift Receiving Committee (made up of prominent figures such as the President of Earth) had now received radiation poisoning. Fortunately, the Humans accepted different cultures had different payments for gifts and trades, and sent a message to the Poggart thanking them for their payment. Immediately afterwards, they fired four hundred Nuclear missiles in the direction of Ponfarg, calling it a “thank-you” gift and encouraging them never to send them anything again.

The Galactic Council immediately decided the small species known as the Human Race were incredible jerks.

They were right.

A Momentary Distraction: A Short Non-Story

However, to understand that story, you must first understand this one.

Hundreds of years ago, a small civilization known as the Human race sent out many satellites in the search for intelligent life, presumably because there was none to be found on their home planet. Inside these satellites were various pieces of information about their culture, just in case any alien out in the wide unknown would give a toss. These items included pictures of themselves and their planet, a tablet upon which various languages were inscribed, as well as other tidbits such as umbrellas. Although these objects tended to be serious reflections of the Human race, a collection of Earth scientists, bored and drunk after an intense science party, decided to send a “joke” satellite, with the intention of messing with any unfortunate species unlucky enough to encounter this package. Because of their intoxicated or “smashed” state, they stuffed several odd objects into this receptacle. The various items included a dead fish, a table-tennis paddle and a cassette tape, which the Humans had just evolved past. The tape was a film; a particularly bad film known as Legally Blonde 2, a comedy about a Human female showing Human males just what sass is. Pleased with their night’s work, the scientists launched the satellite into the cold blackness of space, then celebrated their hysterical prank by inviting over some especially uninhibited Human female natural scientists and seeing where it went from there.

The satellite floated through the inky vacuum of space, drifting without cause or direction. Eventually, after hundreds of years, a small, isolated planet nearby started to pull on the satellite. Slowly, the gravity of the planet drew the space junk in, coaxing it into its atmosphere. And slowly, the satellite complied, allowing itself to be attracted. Eventually, the satellite was close enough that it entered the planet’s gravity well, and was pulled into the planet’s atmosphere. By incredibly improbable odds, the satellite somehow survived the descent, staunchly refusing to burn up in the fall. At last, it smashed into the ground of the alien surface, with a thunderous crash. Nearby, a primitive lifeform, having recently pulled itself out of the primordial ocean, dragged itself towards the object, its brain filled with curiosity for the first time. It touched the metal, which was still warm from the crash. The warmth of the metal intrigued the alien, and gave it new life. Somehow, this warmth triggered a process in the creature’s brain, and it slowly began to develop an entirely new emotion. The creature gazed on the shiny metal, and saw itself. It knew the reflection was itself, and knew it knew. The creature was self-aware.

The creature experimented with its new discovery. In a stroke of creativity, it picked up a large rock with its primitive claws and brought it down hard onto the metal. After continually doing this for several days, the creature’s strikes eventually penetrated the metal and opened a hole in the satellite. Pleased with its achievement, the creature celebrated by relating the story to its friends. They all seemed very impressed, and in a fit of inspiration, decided this particular creature (which we shall name Peter) was someone to listen to. They set about making a small village for themselves, with the satellite as a centerpiece. Over time, they inspected the items contained within their new totem. One of the creatures, who shall be known as Lloyd, cautiously ate the remains of some strange animal, still decomposing. Lloyd became ill for many days and reported delusions, and it was decided these delusions somehow meant something, and thus Lloyd became the village Seer. Lloyd gave many predictions over the next few days, and in particular the decision the cassette tape was somehow significant over the other objects. Of course, the aliens had no idea exactly what the tape was, but they nonetheless saw importance in it. Thus, all technology and and development became focused on determining the meaning of this tape. In almost every primitive civilization since the creation of the galaxy, the discovery known as “the wheel” or “fire” have been along the first technological breakthroughs of the culture. Not so with the Peterians (for that was what they became known as). Instead, their first creation was an alphabet system, devised to read the cover of the tape. However, due to a misunderstanding of the Human alphabet, the phrase Legally Blonde 2 in Peterian came to mean Pillow of the Grey Snouted Old Man. The Seer Lloyd attributed this to a meaning of life that had not yet been discovered. To truly understand the meaning, he reasoned, they must view the contents of the tape. And so, the quest for the meaning to life began.

All form of art and culture was abandoned. The Peterians became obsessed with the Meaning. Education became focused on philosophy. All children were indoctrinated in the ways of the Pillow of the Grey Snouted Old Man, with the brightest minds in the nation becoming leaders after Peter eventually passed away. Coincidentally, they were all named Peter as well. Industry was almost halted, minus the production of flavorless food pellets used to sustain the population. At last, deep within the titanium bunker of the palace of Fungal Rock Train (another miscalculation of Human) the head scientist (whose name was Tony) of the Peterian Meaning Sector sent news to the Council of Peters: they had made a machine capable of revealing the information contained on the tape.

 

Nationwide celebrations were held. Tony was declared a national hero. Whilst the public clamored for the Meaning, betting pools saw a staggering four million percent increase in business as everyone wagered on what the Meaning would be. The unveiling was held in the deepest underground room of the Peterian palace, where the Council of Peter gathered to supervise the Meaning. The scientist loaded the cassette, now a incredibly frail relic, into the new creation, improbably called the VCR. The screen was turned on. The tape begun to run. The truth was revealed at last. The verdict, however, was not what was expected. In a race to discover the meaning to life, the Peterians had developed a sophisticated sense of humour. Unfortunately, the comedy of Legally Blonde 2 was not what the Peterians were expected. Instead of subtle wordplay and biting parody, the Council was faced with fart jokes and sexual innuendo. This presented a quandary. If the Council revealed this to be the Meaning, the public uproar would be massive. Rebellions and revolts would prevail, and the current government would no doubt be overthrown. Faced with the loss of jobs the Meaning could bring on, the Council was forced to develop a fake answer. Thus, at the public announcement of the Meaning, the Council revealed, with broad smiles on their faces, that the meaning of life, was in fact to destroy the neighboring nation of Umbrella.

The mass production of the Peterians kicked into overdrive. Now that the Meaning was clear, the civilization strived to achieve it. Weapons of staggering size and ridiculous lethality were developed. Eventually, the Perterians developed a weapon to rid the planet of the Umbrella once and for all, the Peterian Postman Battery, capable of destroying entire planets. Of course, once activated the Postman Battery accomplished its goal perfectly, and the entire planet was vanquished; reduced to mere rubble and floating space rocks.

There was a point to this story, but the chronicler has momentarily forgotten it.