Let’s get one thing out of the way. You cannot survive a raptor attack. It does not matter how fast you run or how much you hide, they will find you. And when they do, they will devour. In truth, this is more of a death procrastination guide. Nevertheless, you can take solace in the fact you’ve managed to survive this long against the almighty adversary. Let’s break this up into sections:
Anatomy of a Velociraptor:
An artist's sketch of a velociraptor. 0.032 seconds later, the artist was dead.
Raptors are superior beings, and their biological construction reflects this. Notice its sharp claws. These are built for destruction of all materials and substances. This is the first lesson: You cannot hide from a Velociraptor. Studies have been conducted where several scientists were barricaded behind a solid concrete wall, bordered by several fences of solid iron. Within minutes, the raptors used their sharp claws to slice through the fences, then brought down the concrete wall with one kick. The wall landed on the scientists, and the scientific research facility was lost to the raptors. Out of respect for their adversaries, the raptors released their findings to the general public. Or was it yet another fear tactic? Raptors have also been shown to have intelligence beyond mortal constraints. Science magicians can only speculate as to how (Before being devoured), and as yet they have not found the solution, though there is a strong theory. Raptors reportedly communicate with each other using a “hive mind”, a telekinetic link they have established through evolution and advanced technology. They use this hive mind to relay information; thus, if one raptor has seen you, heard you or smelt your fear, every single raptor in the world can triangulate your position. This brings up an interesting question: What is someone meant to do when faced with a Raptor?
Surrendering and Your Role in the Subjugation of the Human Race:
When faced with an insurmountable enemy, many feeble humans decide the “noble” or “honorable” thing to do is fight to the death, rather than surrender and suffer a loss of pride. When faced with Raptors, this is, of course, futile. Raptors are skilled in the field of psychology, and know how to demoralize a victim to beyond their breaking limit. Like any hunter, they like to play games with their prey. For instance, a Raptor will occaisonally appear to be injured or confused, and the survivor rallies their courage as they prepare for a victory. Their mistake only becomes apparent, however, when the Velociraptor springs forward, catching the survivor by suprise. It’s not unusual for the Raptor to turn invisible at this moment, using stealth technology the United States government is hoping to one day replicate. Getting back the point, there’s no use fighting to the death. The best option is to surrender and be assimilated into the Raptor race. Upon this point, they will escort you to their lab (very humanely, unlike certain barbarian dinosaurs) and subject you to the Raptor Conversion process. The final result should appear as such:
The first successful Raptor Assimilation patient, Reginald.
Upon entering Raptor society, you will find their social stature is beyond that of the human race. For instance, greed is not a Raptor trait. The only “greed” a Velociraptor would even encounter is a greed of conquering lands for the supremacy of the Raptor race. It is because of this that the Raptors are one. A coherent society of dinosaurs, united under the Supreme President Premier Dinosaur Velociraptor Priest of Raptoria (pictured).
Supreme President Premier Dinosaur Velociraptor Priest of Raptoria, Bernie.
Raptors are well known for their intelligence, and the nation of Raptoria is famously home to the RAARGH! brand of computers. RAARGH! has been praised for their user-friendly interfaces, that being the fact it can be typed with using only two claws. A lucky slave will be given an intern job at RAARGH!, or their close competitors, SCREEEE!, as an intern fetching coffee for the glorious middle management Raptors. A truely blessed intern (after being put through extreme testing and conditioning) could possibly one day find themselves working as a debugger or IT support technician, sorting out the various computer problems Raptor technology rarely encounters.
The most common technical fault in Raptor computers, affectionately known as the "Angry Smashed Blue Screen of Death".
Stay tuned for more helpful hints in delaying (or not) your inevitable fate of co-operation in the glorious Raptor race! God Bless Raptoria! And–
SCREEEEK! GRRL’BLT! KIK-KIK! MU’UK GYONG! GRAAAAAAARGH!
