A History of Raptoria

So, you’ve finally decided to join the most glorious nation of Raptoria. While your passport is being devoured processed, you may want to take the time to learn about this lovely country*!

 

The core province of Raptoria, united under the twin peaks of GRARGH! and SKUUL'MUKT!

Raptoria is and always has been in existance. Anything contrary to this opinion is in fact heresy; You would be wise to report the instigator to the authorities. Despite what you may have heard about the extinction of the dinosaurs approximately 65 Million years ago, the Raptors survive (and, indeed, thrive) in their current situation. How? The answer isn’t entirely simple. It comes from a unique blend of Technology, Medicines, Magic, and Herbs and Spices. The Raptors themselves are not liable to give up the answer anytime soon. The only viabe answer, then, is that the Velociraptors are indeed the chosen race, as described in the book of Paco (a lesser-known and often-omitted chapter of the Old & New Testament, as well as the Qua’ran):

12. And so, it was decided amongst the great beasts to elect a leader. 13. Five candidates were chosen, representing the Brontosaurus, T-Rex, Pteradons, Stegosaurus and Triceratops races of the beasts. 14. The election day was held on the 1st of August, which had been forever known as the day of Terrence’s House Party. 15. And so, the great beasts cast their votes to decide a new leader. 16. Before the votes were counted, however, one Toby of the Raptors did enter the room, and did slay the other candidates. 17. It was decided Toby would be the new leader, as no-one would fuck with Toby. 18. Toby then did play an awesome rock guitar solo, and the bitches did swarm to him.

To this day, August 1st is celebrated as the Day of Ascension. In honour of Toby’s mystical hobby, Raptors everywhere pile out onto the streets, shredding wildly in the hopes of striking the holy chords. For many Raptors, it is a chance to spend time with the family, and even the young Raptor Spawn can be seen standing on pillars, miniature Raptor Pauls in claw. No Raptor city bustles with more activity than the capital, RARRK!; a city often described as “like Rome, Paris, New York, London, the whole of Singapore, and Beijing, all on acid”. For it is here the countless Massacre Memorials stand as both graves and convinient rocking-out-pillars. Because the Raptorian army has never lost a soldier (not even to old age), the memorials are instead in honour (or mockery) of the fallen enemy. Because of the Raptors’ propensity to wage war and conquer, these memorials take up half the city, as well as the surrounding countryside. It’s only a minor inconvinience, though, as the Raptors also use flying apartment blocks to support their population. These apartment blocks were actually developed in 2231, and then sent back in time to the 1400s, where the already-advanced Raptor Race made use of the generousity of their future descendants to become the biggest empire in the world. You know how they say “The sun never sets on the British Empire”? Well, in Raptoria they have their own phrase: “Cluk’Cluk’Cluk! BARABBAT! KWINCHEEEE!”. Roughly translated, this becomes “Both the British Sandwich and Pungent Sun that revolves around it belongs Melon to Raptoria!”. This is, of course, being modest. 

It is a well known fact all books, even those not yet written, have been written by a Raptor. One raptor specifically; Brother Lloyd (his descendants have always been called Lloyd) is in charge of all publications, and is permitted to edit them as he sees fit; often resulting in newspaper articles like the one below:

However, the history of  Raptoria is not entirely bright. Throughout the years, many thorns have irritated the sacred nation’s side. Most notably during the 14th century (and coincidentally, the 28th Raptor Hundred Years War), when rebellious human slaves led a foolish and doomed attempt to overthrow the High Priest Chancellor of Raptoria, Francis XIXVII. The humans fought a brave but ignoble fight, and the rebellion was swiftly crushed. Many humans fled to the underground, however, and remain a nuisance by constantly showing up in Raptor granaries, stealing whatever scraps they can. Many Raptor families have exterminators on quickdial, and the number is more commonly used than the emergency services in most cases. Fire, however, remains a constant problem, as Raptors are prone to attack something (such as a gas tank, with matches and a flamethrower) when irritated. Also a large factor is the constant laboratory tests by the numerous Science Raptors, all eagerly exploring the royally-sponsored Explosion Physics. The most famous fire in memory would be the Great Fire of RARRRK!, which lasted approximately twelve hundred years, albeit often shrinking to light a candle. The cause of the fire remains a mystery, but is arguably best-known for killing several thousand slaves and interns. In a fit of rage, the king of the time (Jacob XXXXVIII) ordered the invasion of all the territories surrounding Raptoria, and agreed to ceasefire only once the slave numbers had been replaced and then some.

 

Currently Raptor-held territories. Not including several space colonies.

 

To this day, however, the Raptorian Empire remains on of the most well-known and respected planets in the world, and is very welcoming to all residency applications. EXCEPT YOURS. GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN.

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEE! GRAAAAAAAAARGH! PLUUUUUUUUURKPLUUUUUUUUURK!

 

*EDUCATION NOT OPTIONAL

Tags: Application: DENIED, dear god I haven't updated in a while., Raptors again