Superheroes: As Taught By The Master

Okay, welcome to the first lesson of super-powered-dickery. I’m your tutor, Healey, and in this class I hope to teach you what it means to be a real hero. And just so we’re clear, I mean real heroes, not those “Heroes” you see on the evening news.

 

Not a hero. Also, puppies suck. Am I unlikeable enough yet?

To restate my point, I’m talking about real heros, like Superman, Spiderman, or, to a lesser extent, Aquaman. And my goal today will be to impart a bit of knowledge of what it means to be a hero. Y’know, the important stuff; origin story, costumes and a nemesis. With that off the bat, let’s get right to Origins.

An origin is probably the most important thing a Hero can have. Well, apart from… Powers. But that’s for another day; so just for now, let’s pretend an origin is the most important thing a Hero can have. Basically speaking, a superhero can fall into one of five categories (according to City Of Heroes, the flagship Superhero MMORPG from which a lot of this article is based): Natural, Science, Mutant, Technology, and Magic. And let’s clear some of this up, so as you people go away with the right idea: MAGIC IS NOT AN ORIGIN. I don’t care how much you wuv Hawwy Potter, there is no such thing as magic. Prove me wrong? Name one successful superhero who gets their powers from Magic. I’ll give you fourteen billion years. Couldn’t find any? Didn’t think you would. Q.E.D. Anyway, Mutant has been overdone a bit lately (read: forever) due to the Amazing X-Men. Science heroes, although cool and maybe fun, are very geeky. Truth be told, there’s no real “cool” way to “Accidently obstigate the Quanfuntum Splexterbreigner and receive Parisit Hiltonts powers”. You just end up sounding like someone who needs to get out more.

 

Oddly enough, not cool. Wait... Oddly enough?

Based on this evidence, the only viable origins right now are Tech heroes (A la Iron Man) or Natural Heroes (The Batman). That’s the way it goes, kiddies.

Anyway, on to costume. Once again, it’s important to iron out some of the misunderstandings when it comes to creating a caped crusader. First up, capes can still work, despite what the short lady said on The Incredibles. When creating a costume, it’s important to encapsulate some key features. First and foremost, the costume should have something to do with the hero’s power/origin/method. With me so far? The Batman. Looks a bit like a bat. Wonder Woman. Sexy. Iron Man. Covered in metal. Okay, that one was too obvious, but that’s exactly the point. Whatever you do, don’t just throw on some random threads and call yourself a hero. People will laugh at you. It’s just the world we live in. Part of being a hero is getting past the name calling. Mind you, if you’re a superhero who’s getting laughed at in a non-ironic sense, you’re probably not as badass as you think. You may want to stop hanging out with a young boy with a girl’s name. You’re probably also breaking the law. Anyway, costume. These days, latex is on its way out. Sure, it may show off your (*shudder*) curves, but it’s really impractical for getting in/out of, in those situations where you gotta get into your beach clothes. For those times where you just gotta go swimming. Therefore, these days you’re looking for something fashionable, but practical. Like a leather jacket and jeans. Though it has to be distinctive. Like a bright yellow leather jacket, with jeans.

 

Basically, this.

 Oh, and any good supersuit should include gadgets. And not lame gadgets like the campy Batman has. For some reason, as superheroes enter the modern age, they lose some of their powers and must replace them with technology. Works for me, though, as everyone knows the best heroes are either Natural or Tech origins (see article #1). The best gadgets should be stuff that’s completely unnessecary. For instance, a zip line. Seeing as most (if not all) heroes have some sort of flight ability these days, what is the importance of being able to get from one building to another by way of a zip line? You can’t say it’s more secretive or anything. After all, how can you not notice this?

 

Another successful mission, Mr Wayne.

Now that we’ve sorted those two components out, it’s time to find a nemesis. A nemesis should be something useful, not just an annoyance. After all, without a constant enemy, how can you expect press coverage as a superhero? Everyone has a nemesis. Batman has The Joker. Barack Obama has John McCain. The United States has everyone else. In any case, a nemesis is actually handy to have around. There’s many ways to get yourself a nemesis. The most obvious one is just to be a hero. For some reason, every time some super-powered loony is flying around town rescuing little girls and giving homeless puppies homes, someone else shows up to put a stop to it. I’ve been trying to think of a reason for this, and the only possible answer I can think of is that people are dicks. So basically, as long as you’re a decent superhero (read: Good powers) you’ll no doubt attract a nemesis on your own. And no doubt you’ll exchange witty banter before punching each other’s lights out. Though if your superpowers are limited to, say, making custard develop lumps, you’re probably going to need some help. A good exercise to do would be to go around randomly annoying people. No doubt one of these will take offence and dedicate their lives to destroying you. Or they may just write an angry letter. Yeah, it’s sort of difficult to judge. Although, if all else fails, you have one final alternative:

Click To Enlarge. Hehe. Enlarge.

On that note, I think I’m going to go apply. Maybe there’ll be some more updates about superheroes later. Depending on how this Nemesis gig turns out.

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Tags: 999 Words, BWAHAHAHAHA, The Ironing Man