LittleBIGPlanet: Thank God For Physics Class

I lost my childhood a long time ago. I don’t know exactly the moment, but I was speaking in my well-cultured faux-english-american voice from about age 12,  so there’s a good indication. Anyway, it may be for this reason I clutch on to things that remind me of my childhood. Quite a few of these, unfortunately, have gone the way of Rocko’s Modern Life (which is in itself one of my memories) and are now untraceable for one reason or another. So I clutch tightly onto the few remaining scraps of innocence I have left; whether it be building houses out of Lego, or smililng with acutal nostalgia as I play Lego Star Wars. Spot the pattern.

 

Yeah, I really like Lego.

Anyway, I guess I should get to the point. The reason I like LittleBIGPlanet (I’m basing that spelling off the official website’s) is because, bizarrely, it reminds me of my childhood. On the outside, LittleBIGPlanet may seen like a simple platformer, child-like and non-threatening in appearance. And in truth: It is. Don’t let it throw you off, though. Basically, the appeal of LBP is in its user-created content. It has a, frankly, INSANE amount of potential, as its creator tools are incredibly versatile and easy to understand. As far as I understand, there’s already a large amount of uploaded levels on the LBP database, many of which are both inspiring due to their extensiveness, and embarassing for the same reason. That’s not the only drawcard LBP has up its tiny, knitted sleeve, though. Anyone who sees the cover of the game for even a few seconds will soon see its more materialistic appeal; namely, the SackPeople. Don’t laugh, you perverts. They’re cute as hell. A large part of the game is based purely on creation and customisation, so almost all aspects of your Sackperson can be tweaked; Material, eyes, clothes, and even cute little top hats. It’s insanely cute, though that’s probably not what gamers are looking for. Still, I’m going to talk about it anyway. At any point during a level, you can change your Sackperson’s expression, with three different levels each of Happiness, Sadness, Anger and Fear. I liked to think my Sackboy was retarded, and for all the levels he pottered about with a toungue-hanging smile on his face. Anyway, no doubt all these aspects make LittleBigPlanet immensely family friendly, and a lot of kids will be enthralled with even just the creation aspects. Still, there’s bigger fish to fry in the game, so let’s talk about Physics. 

 

The three in the background are enjoying themselves. The one in front is a little pissed off.

 

 

The Physics of this game are incredible. Every material has been perfectly realised, and acts exactly as it should. Styrofoam is light and easy to carry, and metal can crush a Sackperson to a funny (if not slightly disturbing) death. The physics of the game ensures things act logically. Jumping on a bouncy, trampoline-like material is just like real life; you have to take little bounces, then time them right to get MASSIVE AIR. Little, self-built cars roll with amazing accuracy, and it took me a while to realise how to use the physics properly. I built myself a little car with bolts allowing the wheels to move, then was shocked to discover the car was rolling unevenly. Turns out I hadn’t put much thought as to where the bolts would be going, and on second thought I realised they were revolving around the bolt. It’s only a little thing, but it simultaneously makes and breaks the game. Physicsphiles will be enraptured by the mechanics, and will savor the chance to build something both realistic and fun. However, it should be noted that it can occaisonally take quite a bit of effort to get something just right. As a cautionary tale to this, I spent about half an hour tweaking my little toy car to make sure it’d run perfectly own the little race course/death trap I’d created for it. Still, for the entire time I was actually enjoying myself, and it was incredibly rewarding to see my new roller go flying over ramps with nary a care to gravity. Swinging puzzles are well-implemented, and I was determined to create myself a little Indiana Jones just for the ability of justifying these escapades. It doesn’t matter what you choose your Sackboy to look like and how it goes about it’s business though, as the narrator will like you no matter what. And I like the narrator so much, he gets a paragraph all to himself.

LittleBigPlanet is narrated by Stephen Fry, who you might remember from The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy or other awesome English movies/Television shows. Right from the opening, I was joyous based purely on the narration. The Narrator is a constant guide for your Sackpeople, and treats the little thing like it’s a mischevious child. You can sense the love in Stephen Fry’s voice (or maybe I’m just imagining it) as he dolefully tells you about the numerous (and occaisonally complicated) contraptions and concepts of the game. The whole thing has a wonderful British class to it, and the phrase “Gadding about” was so awesome to hear I may start using it myself. In fact, all the music in the game has a happy feel, no matter what the setting is. I may recommend, as a sampler, the song “Get It Together” by “The Go Team!”. Pure happiness in a song.

Keep in mind, though, LittleBigPlanet isn’t nessecarily 100% for everyone. First things first. Some people probably won’t like the cute feel, or the fact that no-one gets shot in the whole game. I know, I know, it’s something you’ll have to get over. The whole point of this game, though, is to be family friendly, so if you’re looking for something the whole family (Kids, real people) can play, look no further than LittleBigPlanet. Secondly, people might not like the very precise nature of the physics. I must admit, occaisonally I found myeslf growling at the Sackboy for having the gall to smile when I’m busy re-calibrating my rolling dragon’s tires for half and hour. And finally, there’s always the element of you have no friends to play with, as this game is definitely suited for four friends all working together and mucking about. Still, there’s a wealth of good points that I think outweight the negatives. It’s a bonanza for collectors; there’s so many costumes, stickers and objects to collect, you’ll find yourself repeatedly playing a level to get 100%. It’s perfect for kids or a large group of people, and the strong userbase means you’ll always be able to download new levels. The editing tools are some of the best and simplest I’ve ever seen in a game, and they’re all clearly explained by the fantastic narration. So if it’s some cheery, physics-based, creative fun you’re after, I recommend you look no further than LittleBigPlanet. Now, I’m going to go build a Pteradon to fight another giant mechanical T-Rex.

Chuzzle: Why I Don’t Get Out More

I was recently thinking to myself, “When am I going to update that damn blog?”. I struggled with the answer, which could’ve resulted in being either “Never” or (In a British accent) “Not bloody likely”. As my internal argument reached its climax, I decided to think about it later. I then devoured a box of biscuits and started playing Chuzzle yet again. I just can’t explain it. Chuzzle, for those of you who don’t know, is yet another “casual” game from the remarkably successful PopCap Games. PopCap is well known for their casual games, which absorb time and all inexplicably seem to feature cute, colorful animals.

 

In PopCap style, all these images will be family-friendly. And boring.

So, let’s talk about Chuzzle, then. Writing this, I’ve realised a large amount of PopCap games are the same thing. That is, matching colours. Chuzzle’s unique spin on it is rotation of rows and columns. Basically, you drag one of the rows or columns at a time, and by doing so attempt to create a group of three or more of the same colour Chuzzles (which then, bizarrely, explode). Obviously, the more Chuzzles you ’splode in a turn, the more points you’ll rack up. Join five or more together, and you’ll make a boomer Chuzzle. Make a group of three that includes a boomer, and you’ll also blow up some other Chuzzles, making them handy for getting rid of obstacles like Fatties. Oh yeah; occaisonally, a massively obese Chuzzle will drop in to the game, forcing you to move two rows or columns at once. They’re not the worst bastards, though. Let me introduce you to the lock: 

 

I hate you.

Locks prohibit you from using the row or column they’re in. Oh, and if you ever make a lame move (like only scoring one group in a turn) one of these guys will appear. So it’s not unusual to have 3 or 4 rows AND columns cut off. The only solution is either making a group with these guys, or using a boomer. These locks remain one of my most frustrating villains that I can recall in gaming, and many times I simply resorted to yelling “Fuck you” at my monitor. I know, I know; not exactly civilized, but if you saw that they did to me, you’d've done it too. So, yeah, it does get frustrating, but in a good way. Because every time you destroy a lock or blow up a fatboy with an exhillarating “sproosh”, you’ll crack a smile. Oh, and Chuzzles, despite having a complete lack of anything indentifiable except eyes, are some of the cutest little peons in gaming. Simply put, I’m a fan of Chuzzle and casual gaming. Despite what all the hardcore gamers may say, Casual gaming is no doubt a revolution in gaming. It’s bringing people who you’d never associate with games (eg my Mother) to gaming. Plus, it’s relaxing to take a few minutes off to explode some fluffballs. Oh, and if you like Chuzzle (as I do), give other PopCap successes such as Insaniquarium, Peggle, Bejeweled 2 or Pizza Frenzy a go. You’ll thank me for it, unless you end up smashing your monitor because of those bloody locks.

 

 

Couldn't find a way to fit this into the Velociraptor Survival Guide.

Superheroes: As Taught By The Master

Okay, welcome to the first lesson of super-powered-dickery. I’m your tutor, Healey, and in this class I hope to teach you what it means to be a real hero. And just so we’re clear, I mean real heroes, not those “Heroes” you see on the evening news.

 

Not a hero. Also, puppies suck. Am I unlikeable enough yet?

To restate my point, I’m talking about real heros, like Superman, Spiderman, or, to a lesser extent, Aquaman. And my goal today will be to impart a bit of knowledge of what it means to be a hero. Y’know, the important stuff; origin story, costumes and a nemesis. With that off the bat, let’s get right to Origins.

An origin is probably the most important thing a Hero can have. Well, apart from… Powers. But that’s for another day; so just for now, let’s pretend an origin is the most important thing a Hero can have. Basically speaking, a superhero can fall into one of five categories (according to City Of Heroes, the flagship Superhero MMORPG from which a lot of this article is based): Natural, Science, Mutant, Technology, and Magic. And let’s clear some of this up, so as you people go away with the right idea: MAGIC IS NOT AN ORIGIN. I don’t care how much you wuv Hawwy Potter, there is no such thing as magic. Prove me wrong? Name one successful superhero who gets their powers from Magic. I’ll give you fourteen billion years. Couldn’t find any? Didn’t think you would. Q.E.D. Anyway, Mutant has been overdone a bit lately (read: forever) due to the Amazing X-Men. Science heroes, although cool and maybe fun, are very geeky. Truth be told, there’s no real “cool” way to “Accidently obstigate the Quanfuntum Splexterbreigner and receive Parisit Hiltonts powers”. You just end up sounding like someone who needs to get out more.

 

Oddly enough, not cool. Wait... Oddly enough?

Based on this evidence, the only viable origins right now are Tech heroes (A la Iron Man) or Natural Heroes (The Batman). That’s the way it goes, kiddies.

Anyway, on to costume. Once again, it’s important to iron out some of the misunderstandings when it comes to creating a caped crusader. First up, capes can still work, despite what the short lady said on The Incredibles. When creating a costume, it’s important to encapsulate some key features. First and foremost, the costume should have something to do with the hero’s power/origin/method. With me so far? The Batman. Looks a bit like a bat. Wonder Woman. Sexy. Iron Man. Covered in metal. Okay, that one was too obvious, but that’s exactly the point. Whatever you do, don’t just throw on some random threads and call yourself a hero. People will laugh at you. It’s just the world we live in. Part of being a hero is getting past the name calling. Mind you, if you’re a superhero who’s getting laughed at in a non-ironic sense, you’re probably not as badass as you think. You may want to stop hanging out with a young boy with a girl’s name. You’re probably also breaking the law. Anyway, costume. These days, latex is on its way out. Sure, it may show off your (*shudder*) curves, but it’s really impractical for getting in/out of, in those situations where you gotta get into your beach clothes. For those times where you just gotta go swimming. Therefore, these days you’re looking for something fashionable, but practical. Like a leather jacket and jeans. Though it has to be distinctive. Like a bright yellow leather jacket, with jeans.

 

Basically, this.

 Oh, and any good supersuit should include gadgets. And not lame gadgets like the campy Batman has. For some reason, as superheroes enter the modern age, they lose some of their powers and must replace them with technology. Works for me, though, as everyone knows the best heroes are either Natural or Tech origins (see article #1). The best gadgets should be stuff that’s completely unnessecary. For instance, a zip line. Seeing as most (if not all) heroes have some sort of flight ability these days, what is the importance of being able to get from one building to another by way of a zip line? You can’t say it’s more secretive or anything. After all, how can you not notice this?

 

Another successful mission, Mr Wayne.

Now that we’ve sorted those two components out, it’s time to find a nemesis. A nemesis should be something useful, not just an annoyance. After all, without a constant enemy, how can you expect press coverage as a superhero? Everyone has a nemesis. Batman has The Joker. Barack Obama has John McCain. The United States has everyone else. In any case, a nemesis is actually handy to have around. There’s many ways to get yourself a nemesis. The most obvious one is just to be a hero. For some reason, every time some super-powered loony is flying around town rescuing little girls and giving homeless puppies homes, someone else shows up to put a stop to it. I’ve been trying to think of a reason for this, and the only possible answer I can think of is that people are dicks. So basically, as long as you’re a decent superhero (read: Good powers) you’ll no doubt attract a nemesis on your own. And no doubt you’ll exchange witty banter before punching each other’s lights out. Though if your superpowers are limited to, say, making custard develop lumps, you’re probably going to need some help. A good exercise to do would be to go around randomly annoying people. No doubt one of these will take offence and dedicate their lives to destroying you. Or they may just write an angry letter. Yeah, it’s sort of difficult to judge. Although, if all else fails, you have one final alternative:

Click To Enlarge. Hehe. Enlarge.

On that note, I think I’m going to go apply. Maybe there’ll be some more updates about superheroes later. Depending on how this Nemesis gig turns out.

The Velociraptor Survival Guide

Let’s get one thing out of the way. You cannot survive a raptor attack. It does not matter how fast you run or how much you hide, they will find you. And when they do, they will devour. In truth, this is more of a death procrastination guide. Nevertheless, you can take solace in the fact you’ve managed to survive this long against the almighty adversary. Let’s break this up into sections:

Anatomy of a Velociraptor:

 

An artist's sketch of a velociraptor. 0.032 seconds later, the artist was dead.

Raptors are superior beings, and their biological construction reflects this. Notice its sharp claws. These are built for destruction of all materials and substances. This is the first lesson: You cannot hide from a Velociraptor. Studies have been conducted where several scientists were barricaded behind a solid concrete wall, bordered by several fences of solid iron. Within minutes, the raptors used their sharp claws to slice through the fences, then brought down the concrete wall with one kick. The wall landed on the scientists, and the scientific research facility was lost to the raptors. Out of respect for their adversaries, the raptors released their findings to the general public. Or was it yet another fear tactic? Raptors have also been shown to have intelligence beyond mortal constraints. Science magicians can only speculate as to how (Before being devoured), and as yet they have not found the solution, though there is a strong theory. Raptors reportedly communicate with each other using a “hive mind”, a telekinetic link they have established through evolution and advanced technology. They use this hive mind to relay information; thus, if one raptor has seen you, heard you or smelt your fear, every single raptor in the world can triangulate your position. This brings up an interesting question: What is someone meant to do when faced with a Raptor?

Surrendering and Your Role in the Subjugation of the Human Race:

When faced with an insurmountable enemy, many feeble humans decide the “noble” or “honorable” thing to do is fight to the death, rather than surrender and suffer a loss of pride. When faced with Raptors, this is, of course, futile. Raptors are skilled in the field of psychology, and know how to demoralize a victim to beyond their breaking limit. Like any hunter, they like to play games with their prey. For instance, a Raptor will occaisonally appear to be injured or confused, and the survivor rallies their courage as they prepare for a victory. Their mistake only becomes apparent, however, when the Velociraptor springs forward, catching the survivor by suprise. It’s not unusual for the Raptor to turn invisible at this moment, using stealth technology the United States government is hoping to one day replicate. Getting back the point, there’s no use fighting to the death. The best option is to surrender and be assimilated into the Raptor race. Upon this point, they will escort you to their lab (very humanely, unlike certain barbarian dinosaurs) and subject you to the Raptor Conversion process. The final result should appear as such:

 

The first successful Raptor Assimilation patient, Reginald.

Upon entering Raptor society, you will find their social stature is beyond that of the human race. For instance, greed is not a Raptor trait. The only “greed” a Velociraptor would even encounter is a greed of conquering lands for the supremacy of the Raptor race. It is because of this that the Raptors are one. A coherent society of dinosaurs, united under the Supreme President Premier Dinosaur Velociraptor Priest of Raptoria (pictured).

 

Supreme President Premier Dinosaur Velociraptor Priest of Raptoria, Bernie.

Raptors are well known for their intelligence, and the nation of Raptoria is famously home to the RAARGH! brand of computers. RAARGH! has been praised for their user-friendly interfaces, that being the fact it can be typed with using only two claws. A lucky slave will be given an intern job at RAARGH!, or their close competitors, SCREEEE!, as an intern fetching coffee for the glorious middle management Raptors. A truely blessed intern (after being put through extreme testing and conditioning) could possibly one day find themselves working as a debugger or IT support technician, sorting out the various computer problems Raptor technology rarely encounters.

 

The most common technical fault in Raptor computers, affectionately known as the "Angry Smashed Blue Screen of Death".

Stay tuned for more helpful hints in delaying (or not) your inevitable fate of co-operation in the glorious Raptor race! God Bless Raptoria! And–

SCREEEEK! GRRL’BLT! KIK-KIK! MU’UK GYONG! GRAAAAAAARGH!