The Healius, Part 2: Darwinism in Action

Well, I’ve finally reached dry land. It’s a proud day for the Healius species. Already, I feel like this was a good idea. I mean, Cells are cute and all, but only out here in the world of Developed Cerebal Cortex am I able to have a cute little family like this:

See the one second from the left? That's Jerome. He's the family joker.

To celebrate, I went for a bit of a wander. As a herbivore, my main priority is to make friends with other species. Turns out I can do this a number of ways, but I haven’t evolved enough for all of them. Basically, I have to mimic what they do, which can be either Singing, Dancing, Charming or Posing. At the moment, though, all I’m good for is Singing. Thank Spode I have a mouth. First species I came across was this weird-looking spider thingy. Although normally it would be considered the stuff of kid’s nightmares, in the case of the Healius, it’s a potential BFF.

Jon Bon Jovi, eat your heart out.

Fortunately, my pitch-perfect soprano won over the vicious black heart of the spiderthingy. Feeling victorious, I wandered a little further over the plains. I must say, as a creature living on a planet where purple is a commoner colour than, say, green, you get used to seeing a lot of odd things. However, nothing could prepare me for this:

I still don't know what the hell these things are.

Needless to say, I was a little freaked out. I mean, there’s so much about the world I haven’t discovered yet… Hopefully, though, the rest of it will be slightly less threatening. And slightly more comprehensible. Nevertheless. If there’s one thing the Healius can do well, it’s gettin’ freaky. Well, not really. In fact, it took me a long while of exploring and finding weird slimy cocoons before I managed to find a mate. And, with all that DNA I accumulated singing to other species, it’s about time to evolve. Aww, hell yeah.

Dayem Healius. You lookin' good.

It. Was. Awesome. Now, instead of looking like some proboscis creature, the Healius looked like a duck. A friendly duck. With lobster claws for hands. Well, it has to start somewhere. Although I couldn’t help but feel I was missing something. Something intangible. At last, I knew what it was. Intelligence. I mean, I love the Healius (especially Jerome), but there’s no denying… These things are dumb. Though it would seem gaining intelligence is harder then merely donning a pair of glasses. No; that will not do. Not yet, anyway. In any case, to get smart I had to make a lot more friends. So what the hell was I doing attacking a species clearly stronger than me?

Pictured: Scary angry blobs. Not Pictured: Me getting my ass kicked about 1 second afterwards.

Of course, that was not a battle I won. I learnt my lesson: stay the hell away from angry blobs of any size. To assist in this quest of non-ass-kicking, I developed a pretty set of wings. Well, not entirely pretty, but nevertheless useful. It means I can fly, something that’s always useful. Except it means I burn through food quite a bit faster. Thus, I have a new objective: get some yummy fruit. Although a funny thing happened. I’m sure it happens to everyone. You go down to the local tree for some fruit, then all of sudden a massive, homicidal Godzilla’s grandad comes along and decides a Healius would make a lovely light snack.

"How can you think of food at a time like this?"

That caption could alternately read simply “OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP”. Luckily, though, I had those angelic wings to help. It was a bit of a race, seeing as that thing has a legspan of roughly four billion miles. Unfortunately, I managed to lose a dear friend of mine I’d manage to convince to follow me blindly. Poor Quincy. He shall be missed. He’s the yellow one. It would appear when we flew away Quincy bravely stood his ground and attempted to intimidate the monster. It did not work. Maybe when this is all over we’ll get together and laugh at this over a beer. Oh… Probably not. Oh well, I’m okay now.

OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP

Another chase ensures. Luckily, though, I escape again. Unfortunately, Jerome wasn’t so lucky. JEROME!!! He will always be missed. In an ironic twist, it was only after Jerome stopped holding me back, the Healius was able to move forward evolution-wise. This bittersweet event, although unfortunate for Jerome, means I’m finally smart enough to be sapient. No more foraging for food and singing to other species for me. Now, I’m movin’ on up to the Tribal stage. This is a new beginning.

The perfect picture of Evolution at its finest.

Wait.

What the hell do I do if one of those giant lizards forms a tribe?

OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP

The Healius: A Tale of Evolution, Part 1

So I got Spore a while ago. I don’t care what anyone thinks, it’s a brilliant game. And despite the fact it’s taken over my life (I have played very little TF2 lately), I can’t help but become more addicted. Spore is a great game even for people who don’t usually play games, however these people tend to have no idea what the hell it’s about. That’s why I’m here. So, here it is. The tale of my very own creation and the beginning of a trip through Spore. This is: The Healius Chronicles.

To start, I picked a nice little area of the Milky Way, hopefully far away from all the very angry alien species I know happen to be lurking somewhere.

 

Planet Healey is somewhere in there.

 

As you can see, it’s in the better part of the neighbourhood.

Next up, I had to choose whether to be a herbivore or carnivore. For the purposes of making really cute creatures, I decided to run with Herbivore. Herbivores are always top of the food chain, right?

 

Maybe I should have picked a differently coloured cell

 

So here I am, in the fertile waters of Planet Healey (not my idea). At the moment there’s not much going on, so I decided to begin my fantastic voyage with a nice green lunch. Once in a while, you get lucky, and in this case I ended up finding some massive amounts of microscopic algae in the water. I promptly filled my primordial stomach. Apparently, evolution works on a quantity basis, and soon I had developed enough to get myself some sweet spikes and cilia (those wingy things).

 

If you're wondering what he's looking at, it's a smokin' hot lady amoeba.

 

Unfortunately, though… I got cocky. Turns out even sweet spikes can’t stop a massive fattie cell who insists on killing you.

 

See that pink cloud of blood with chunks of meat in it? Yeah, that was me.

 

I learnt from these mistakes. Well, after dying about seven times I did. It also taught me a lesson I can’t help but think will keep repeating itself: Stay the hell away from carnivores. I learnt this lesson well, and in designing my next evolution I went for something modern; stylish but yet functional. I gave myself a poison thingy and an awesome proboscis. Probosci are totally in these million years. Apparently, straws are the most versatile eating utensil there is; during an altercation with a cell I ended up slurping him. Not only that, but I can still eat plants too. Because that’s done me so well up until now.

 

See that purple cloud? No longer blood. Poison. That's right; don't mess with me.

 

All good things must come to an end though. That’s got nothing to do with the cell stage, though, as my time as a herbivorous microscopic organism was absolute hell. I’m starting to think Herbivores finish last, but I guess I must continue this ill-fated journey. After all, this is only the beginning. It seems I’ve developed a working brain now, and my little Healius is ready to move onto land. So, after giving him a pair of trim athletic legs, he’s all ready to go. Hopefully it’s all uphill from here.

 

Ready for a marathon.

Actually; I doubt it.

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed – Healey’s Review

I’m normally quite a fan of Star Wars games. Well, a few, anyway. Battlefront 2 is my absolute favourite, and due to frequent rentals I now know every nook and cranny of all the bad quality Playstation 2 maps. Lego Star Wars I also rather liked, though it seems I might have outgrown it now. Anyway. Star Wars: The Force Unleashed is the latest offering from the professional cash-cow farmers at LucasArts, and there has been rather a large amount of hype about the game from Star Wars fans and gamers in general. Pre-release promises included a massive amount of Force control; in theory this was used to complete objectives, but gamers only really cared for the dicking about with force lightning. The ability to play as a almost-Darth-Vader-but-not-quite Sith Apprentice was also a focal point of the grandiose promises, and gamers embraced the opportunity to final clutch the red lightsaber. So, now that the background information’s out of the way, we can start.

By the way: Healey’s thorough review is based on about 3 hours playing a rental disc. So there you go.

Right, let’s start with the ritual disembowelment. And I actually use that in a positive sense. From the very start of the tutorial (playing as the big V himself), it’s plain to see why The Force Unleashed was hyped so much. It doesn’t matter whether or not you’re a fan of Star Wars; throwing a Wookie into a massive gate to smash it down is fucking awesome. It only builds from there, and before you know it you’re tossing a TIE fighter into a cluster of stormtroopers. I’m going to be frank here: I actually broke into a smile a few times. Pretty good. Unfortunately, that’s pretty much it.

After the tutorial, you’re put in the space-shoes of apprentice Starkiller, and the game promptly becomes bland. Not actively bad – that takes effort – but just… meh. It seems TFU just can’t keep up the excitement after the first two or so levels, and instead degenerates into a button-masher. With Star Wars. Yup.

I’m not going to go through every single enemy killed in the game; and because that’s basically what the game is – killing enemies – there’s not really much to say. I mean, sure it looks pretty (on the PS3, anyway) and the story’s somewhat interesting (seeing Darth Vader stare deep into a little toddler’s eyes is somehow cute), The Force Unleashed just can’t keep up the balls-to-the-wall excitement it was promised. Or maybe I’m just callous. Yeah. That’s it.

On a last note: The folks at LucasArts are really helpful, and no doubt knowledgeable in games. I mean, just take a look at this actual tip taken from the manual:

 

Yep. Glad they told me this.

Life of Healey Grand Opening

Well, hello to the few readers who actually bothered to go to this site. I, of course, am Healey. This blog, if I remember to update it, will be about many things. Current events in my life, games, TV, music, whatever. So, anyway, if you like it (or not) leave a comment.

Now we can break out the champagne.